Uni I'm willing to bet an article, or the MC pushed the idea of a 6 mo. trial seperation. W goes looking for justification, or solution, MC reccomends it. W secretly goes "Hey that's a great idea." It further justifies her actions. Whether she is actually using it to cement her position, or she actually needs the time and space to emotionally figure things out is irrelevant. Give her as much space as you can afford, give her the whole universe of space as far as I an concerned. Then when she asks.. "Why are you so distant and not paying any attention to me?" Just tell her like it is. "I thought you wanted, and was taking your're space, so I am giving it to you. LH19 is spot on his assessment. She is staging to get her ducks in a row to plan out how to seperate, who moves, where to go, what to do, how to live, etc. Post S or D.
Here is a thought. Something that dawned on me last night after reading a few other situations here as well as my own introspectiveness, and mental states during therapy. FlySolo kind of got me onto this. (Shout out) If you step back far enough to relax and see things for what they are, rather than what your perception is or what the other person's perception is. You will see things a lot clearer. Wolfy here mentioned too, how it's silly how some people leave their marriages because someone didn't do the dishes enough for someone didn't pay enough attention to someone or someone left a pile of clothes in the corner. Yada yada... it sounds silly as a reason and justification for leaving. But what I think is actually going on and why people leave for these reasons is because of the double standards between two people. Or not seeing the change that we want in the other person is what causes either to leave.
Where I'm going with this for you it is... If W says "I am surprised that you want to stay married" she most likely is projecting her own thoughts and beliefs and perceptions not yours. She does clearly know where you stand by your previous letters. I would suggest challenging those kind of statement like an MC would. DONT ARGUE WITH IT. DONT DEBATE IT, ABD DONT TAKE THE BAIT IN EXPLAINING YOURSELF , or why you think your perception is different or right from hers. Just listen to it, nod, and smile. Only if and when you catch her making these kind of statements. I would challenge her thought process on it. I would ask her specifically why she thinks, or what gave the impression perception or incident, that recently made her think that? Find out what it is, nod and smile, thank her for revealing such if you want, write it down and walk away. If you wants you to better yourself for a 180. But I'm willing to bet most likely she's going to be projecting them and blame-shifting a lot of her perception of what she thinks of you and why. She has an end goal and that's to get away from you. The more you take the bait in discussion of why. The more it cements and validated her justification. While you are at it as good practice try and challenge your own thoughts and beliefs and what are they add up to reality. I know that we all have tend to have convoluted thinking going through all of this with our emotions, and sometimes they don't stack up to reality unless someone's challenges us. We have to go about a different way of thinking about things sometimes to see improvements in ourselves and change.
I think that they have to slowly realize on their own, without you or anyone else telling them, Is that their perceptions and feelings are being misled and are skewed and your actions have to demonstrate such over a long period of time. They are in fight or flight mode most likely fligh're
