Helpful replies, thank you. Some answer to questions:
I'm in the master bedroom; she is in spare. We've been together for 10 years, married for 9. I'm 44, she's 40. Kids 8 and 5 and both highly sensitive. I would have been neglectful to my wife probably from the point we moved in together. And the reason was that (and this is me looking back) she was and is emotionally abusive, what I refer to as tricks. This triggered my CEN so I just shutdown. Behavioural examples would be to move my things and argue that she needs space and that I'm too OCD. Or complain that I didn't do something properly, but she either never explained to me she liked it that way or change her position. Or to interrupt vulnerable conversations by reflecting the conversations back to her. The worst is that any negative feedback is already treated as an attack so full arguments and hurtful manipulation ensures. For sure my reactions only expounded her anxiety but I wouldn't say I created it. She has a few times admitted she is an anxious person.
Yes, she has been planning her exit. She told me as such. And about 4 years ago she started to say she will after any argument. A warning sign in hindsight but she always talks in extremes so I just ignored.
Yes, I've read about validation, and this is something I started doing about 8 months ago as part of my transformation. Not something I've done before since, well, I felt scared to speak up.
Yes, she picks fights, but less so since separation. But when she does pick a fight I spend a LOT of enegry to not be dragged down, to stay distant, and to stick to the situation. She loses steam and then typically ends the flight with "I just can't live with you". One a week ago was where my daughter came to me upset that wife wouldn't stop pushing her on a swing even when my daughter said stop. I just causually told my wife that the daughter was upset that you didn't stop when she said stop. Oh boy. A 30 minute tirade of excuses, complaints about the daughter, sarcasm, and blaming my daughter for "playing me". I also stopped her many times from bringing up the past. I told my wife that she is choosing to react this way and that she could have said "that's not what happened", "I'm sorry I'll talk to her", or "thank you". Two days later the same fight happens again. Which is odd. I know she felted shameful and did apologise to my daughter.
Just recently she started to avoid me and said point blank I phyiscally make her ill, and I'm a nice guy, but there is no chance of reconciliation. She said she dreds me coming home each day. But then I can say with confidence in a couple days time she will be happy that i'm looking after the kids. I just see this as the polarised extremes which I'm told anxious people have. I always tell her my love is unconditional and will stay that way regardless of how we end up.
In any event I see LRT is not appropriate here and that I should just keep spending time with kids and doing my own thing and give her space. I see that. I'm also coming to terms that what's probably best for me is not getting back together. Perhaps if I really am moving out or she does then LRT makes sense.
All advices are helpful, thank you. I don't mind the critisim because it puts things into perspective and helps me to understand how I contributed to things and what I can change.
