Up in the middle of the night here, more bits and pieces. Rambling. This is a disjointed mess typed on my phone in the middle of the night so it will mostly sound nonsensical and disorganized.
At MC office W went right into the abuse narrative. She doesn’t trust me. Emotionally. I believe at face value she does not trust me and needs space. I pressed how we could rebuild trust if We are not living together. I’ll have to post more later on this.
W and I talked later at home. The way we should have talked the last several months. She was really hurt when I stopped IC for a month awhile ago in February. I just can’t type everything out on mobile now. It wasn’t all negative. She said she prefers we stay married and work this out more than anything but she just needs some space. She stressed she does not want to take the kids away. I said I need some time and space to consider all this.
I feel like I have limited options here. I can accept separation and we work out a schedule where I see the kids most days. She’s on board. We continue to go to MC - something I made clear as a requirement in this case. No dating. I told her complete honesty, we need to stop the mind reading. If either of us (if I accept this) wants out then we say it.
Or we divorce. W said she has no interest in a legal battle. I said neither do I but if you claimed full custody we would be in a legal battle. And if we divorce I don’t think IHS in the short term is workable anyways. Too much tension for our kids. I won’t have it.
Honestly if I step back... if I maintain my custody rights (I.e. W cannot claim that by separating it changed things) then whether we divorce or try this separation my life will look very similar in the short term.
I know the advice here is going to be to stay in the house. I know my head is spinning because so much was discussed. And I should not take it at 100% face value. But I will end up getting served.
W was very coy about what she wanted until the MC pressed her and she asked for separation. She acted as if she was open to me proposing drastic changes that would not require separation although couldn’t really say what those were. I think she’s confused and just wants space. Or it’s a soft way to D me eventually. It doesn’t matter - I need to think about what’s best for me.
Lots to think about... trying to center myself and think what do I want? Now that W has spoken to me for the first time in 3 months, do I have faith? Can this be fixed for both of us? She was clear... she does not trust me. My stance is... if she can’t trust me there is no “us”. I am willing to work on it if I see commitment from her, commitment meaning going to MC and listening to me and showing me that she also is committed. I’m so guarded right now though.
My instinct is always to cave. Right now my instinct is to work out a reasonable separation agreement and just do it. And if I feel the M is completely lost then I can just file. Right now it feels pretty lost. The momentary euphoria of actual communication happening has waned - I know it’s common for things to seem better post BD because the WAS is relieved.
One of the weirdest pieces is that W mentioned being hurt again by my distance lately. That I don’t ask about her and about the kids. I had to bite my tongue while thinking she rarely asks me how I’m doing. But hey... this was amazing feedback and I told her I appreciated that. I had no clue. My GALing has her super confused.
It’s so easy to get sucked into her head. There is value in understanding her narrative, even for my personal growth. She wants me to be there for her consistently, ask about her day. What I want from her? Commitment to MC and working on communication and treating me as an equal parent.
It’s all a mess because it’s mostly my fault in her head. Or I should be more clear... things I did eroded her trust in me. She is not sure I can regain her trust. When she did trust me in our M, yes we both were happy.
So much confusion. I need to let things settle so I can think clearly. Right now I’m not seeing things clearly. I don’t think living together right now would be healthy, so it’s mostly a question (to me) of what is best for the kids. Unfortunately with our FT/SAH split it makes no sense for me to stay and W to move out.
We agreed for our upcoming anniversary our gift to each other would be committing to our relationship (M S or D) for the sake of the kids. We may go grab a drink somewhere nothing fancy.
I have a week (until next MC session) to think and post so Hopefully my successive posts will be more clear and focused.
