1st, I am seeing you with some denial. Remember, you cannot fix what you do not acknowledge. Putting hope in MC with a spouse that is moving out (more on that in a moment), Putting hope in the face that she is only separating and not filing (more on that in a moment). Almost all of us come here in some state of denial. Denial will cause you to put stock in the wrong things, do the wrong things, and not see your sitch clearly.
Fair enough. I do believe in positive visualization and generally think that having a negative, pessimistic view of things will not help my situation, but I take your point.
Originally Posted by Steve85
2nd, I see a very common pattern with your WAW. Letting you down easy. "I am not completely done or I would just file, instead of move out." This is a line. Be sure she is done. At least right now. That can change. (My W was convinced she was done and nothing could change her mind.) Women do not move out to find themselves, or to work on the MR. They move out to be free to do whatever they want to do, most of the time that is sleep with other people. I chose that word people carefully because in your sitch it could be either male or female.
I don't have much evidence of this, but you've been to this rodeo and not me. Painful.
Originally Posted by Steve85
Before I go on, I have a question for you to ponder. NYC is one of the most expensive cities in the U.S. to live. You said she gave up her career for art and community work. How is she moving out? There has to be someone that is willing to support her. And people typically don't do that for a non-lover.
She's gone back to the working world, accepting a full-time job with strong salary that starts next week. The prospect of living on her own has obviously changed around her finances, and now she's being more pragmatic. To be clear, I had no issues with supporting her on the things that she loved. I did however use it as a baton to make her feel like her opinions on finances were not important to me. So clear in retrospect.
Originally Posted by Steve85
So Steve, you have a pretty good plan. Give her space. Let her find her way. Let her deal with her stuff. She may decide that you and the MR is what she wants........she may not. But you will need to accept that. Saving your marriage is NOT in your control. So you concentrate on saving yourself.
The first thing you should do is cancel MC. MC is a waste of time and money with a WAW. MC isn't even that great when both spouses are committed to the MR, depending on the C. So you need to stop that. If for no other reason than MC IS NOT giving her space. And this is why you need clarity on WHY she agreed to continue MC, because if you don't you will continue to delude yourself that there is hope because of MC. MC will not save your marraige, at least at this point in your sitch.
I don't remember the exact context, but in talking through the various aspects of the separation (such as contact frequency, finances, etc.), everything was generally mutual, including that. My recollection was that she legitimately wanted to maintain a dialogue about what went wrong, in a safe space that is facilitated by neutral, experienced proctor.
Originally Posted by Steve85
How is your GAL? Are you out staying busy? Why are you coming home to watch her pack her books? Why are you staring at the wedding photos? Take them down if they annoy you. But you should be out getting a life. Workout. Hangout with friends. Be busy busy busy. She asked for space. Give it to her. But continue to stay active and busy even after she leaves.
It's been good - I'm working out five days a week, typically out with friends and getting home later she does. I've made a point to never initiate conversation - always her first. She's done so three times this week, once to send me a link to a volunteer group she thought I'd enjoy, and twice to start a conversation about the basketball game that she was watching at home and I was watching at a sports bar.
As far as the books, I only noticed it when I got home - she must have done it during the day. I would never sit around and watch that. But yes, totally agree - I've reconnected with a few friends, joined two sports leagues through my company - exactly the sort of thing she liked about me when we first got together.[/quote]
Originally Posted by Steve85
180 on the bad behavior that got you here. You need to start preparing for your next relationship......whether that is with her or someone new. Take this opportunity to work on you. While you are getting out of MC, double down on your personal therapy. Do not sacrifice IC for MC. You can tell her like this: "I've decided that for now we need to stop MC, I need to focus on myself and dealing with all of this in IC."
Finally, detach. You need to get to a place of emotional stability. Do not be sad and mopey and woe is me. Be upbeat, present, pleased around her. You need to get to a place where she could come to you and tell you something awful. Something like "I had a gangbang with 100 other people (that word again)" and it would roll off your back like water off a duck.
Steve, this is all difficult. Read DR, study it. Know it. You can use that learning and apply it to your sitch, and give yourself a chance, if there is a chance, at what you want.
Good advice, thank you. I will see what I can figure out about her motivation for continuing MC. Maybe I'm being in denial or naive or both, but I really do think she's more confused than anything else. I'm paraphrasing what she told me when she first brought up the idea of trial separation, but to her us continuing the way we were was a sure-fire, beeline towards divorce. She wasn't happy, I wasn't happy, we weren't communicating, there was a dark cloud over everything. Through a certain lens - and again, from her perspective based on what she told me - separating was the best way to communicate that it wasn't over, but something needed to charge in order for both of us to get a new perspective.
And, FWIW, being direct bordering on judgmental is her typical MO; "letting me down easy" is not typically in her repetoire. But you've been there and done that, so I'll take some to internalize that.
