My story, trial separation for now

[SteveLW]

Hi Steve, from another Steve. I am older and been through this twice with my W, able to save it both times. I have read (studied really) dozens of sitches here on top of my prior two sitches. And I have started to see a lot of patterns.

First sorry you are here, but what you will find here are caring people, people that are willing to talk straight to you (please do not wither from that, the truth sometimes hurts but you have to hear it), and empathy from those of us that have been through.

First, you are doing some things right after making some classic mistakes. AS and unchien both gave you some really good feedback already. But I want to talk about the patterns I am seeing.

1st, I am seeing you with some denial. Remember, you cannot fix what you do not acknowledge. Putting hope in MC with a spouse that is moving out (more on that in a moment), Putting hope in the face that she is only separating and not filing (more on that in a moment). Almost all of us come here in some state of denial. Denial will cause you to put stock in the wrong things, do the wrong things, and not see your sitch clearly.

2nd, I see a very common pattern with your WAW. Letting you down easy. "I am not completely done or I would just file, instead of move out." This is a line. Be sure she is done. At least right now. That can change. (My W was convinced she was done and nothing could change her mind.) Women do not move out to find themselves, or to work on the MR. They move out to be free to do whatever they want to do, most of the time that is sleep with other people. I chose that word people carefully because in your sitch it could be either male or female.

3rd, your W has agreed to continue MC, partly to let you down easy, but also because WAWs like to point back to MC and say "see we tried everything, including counseling". This is a truth you have to understand and I will get to why this clarity is so important for you.

Before I go on, I have a question for you to ponder. NYC is one of the most expensive cities in the U.S. to live. You said she gave up her career for art and community work. How is she moving out? There has to be someone that is willing to support her. And people typically don't do that for a non-lover.

So Steve, you have a pretty good plan. Give her space. Let her find her way. Let her deal with her stuff. She may decide that you and the MR is what she wants........she may not. But you will need to accept that. Saving your marriage is NOT in your control. So you concentrate on saving yourself.

The first thing you should do is cancel MC. MC is a waste of time and money with a WAW. MC isn't even that great when both spouses are committed to the MR, depending on the C. So you need to stop that. If for no other reason than MC IS NOT giving her space. And this is why you need clarity on WHY she agreed to continue MC, because if you don't you will continue to delude yourself that there is hope because of MC. MC will not save your marraige, at least at this point in your sitch.

How is your GAL? Are you out staying busy? Why are you coming home to watch her pack her books? Why are you staring at the wedding photos? Take them down if they annoy you. But you should be out getting a life. Workout. Hangout with friends. Be busy busy busy. She asked for space. Give it to her. But continue to stay active and busy even after she leaves.

180 on the bad behavior that got you here. You need to start preparing for your next relationship......whether that is with her or someone new. Take this opportunity to work on you. While you are getting out of MC, double down on your personal therapy. Do not sacrifice IC for MC. You can tell her like this: "I've decided that for now we need to stop MC, I need to focus on myself and dealing with all of this in IC."

Finally, detach. You need to get to a place of emotional stability. Do not be sad and mopey and woe is me. Be upbeat, present, pleased around her. You need to get to a place where she could come to you and tell you something awful. Something like "I had a gangbang with 100 other people (that word again)" and it would roll off your back like water off a duck.

Steve, this is all difficult. Read DR, study it. Know it. You can use that learning and apply it to your sitch, and give yourself a chance, if there is a chance, at what you want.