I learned very quickly to be independent and only rely on myself, to hide from tension and anger and compartmentalize it, and to be a people pleaser in order to not exacerbate things.
This sounds like Nice Guy Syndrome (NGS). Check out the book No More Mr. Nice Guy. It is an excellent companion to DR.
Originally Posted by SteveS
We've been attending marriage counseling for about a year and a half, with mixed success. In the early stages, it was a lot about the emotional labor of her having to manage our lives, our household, and so on. Later it was about finances, security, and our sex life. Again with the benefit of hindsight, I can point to a few areas in which I wasn't hearing her, wasn't a true partner. I'm just surprised and embarrassed at how quickly the bond we had has turned; two years is not a long time. But the past six months have been tough, not communicating well, not spending as much time together as we used to. I thought we'd work on it, that we were married and loved each other and committed to counseling and we'd fight through it. I guess she reached her breaking point, and I took that bond for granted. I feel like I didn't do enough.
The familiarity of this stings. And I agree with AS that it's hard to know if this was ever fixable.
Originally Posted by SteveS
The dropoff has made me feel awful about myself, and in talking about in couple's therapy I made it about me - why aren't we having sex, why don't you find me attractive, etc. There were obviously root causes to it that we didn't get to and/or I didn't internalize, and again, I feel bad about that. Lots of things I'd do differently.
I did this too. Did you go to the same MC as us?
Honestly your situation resonates deeply with me for so many common factors. And the fact that it sounds hard to pin point exactly where things went wrong. Rest assured it is not all your fault, nor is it all your W's. So you can feel regret, but don't feel bad like it's all your fault.
Originally Posted by SteveS
I had a work trip overseas during which I was a wreck, making the mistake of calling her to talk through some of the pain I was feeling. I also wrote her a long letter explaining some of the areas in which I feel I've failed her, and committing towards fixing them together and to her. At the very least, she can't say she doesn't know how I feel, or that I don't recognize areas in which I've hurt her. Since then, I've been emotionally upset but deadset on asking her for reassurance or relying on her to solve things. We have committed to keeping going to marriage counseling, and she's forthright enough overall that if she really were done, she wouldn't be separating, she'd be serving me papers. So there's a little hope there.
Stop the letters. If you want to know why, read my thread. Expressing remorse is great but also probably too late at this point. Don't overdo it. It will likely only reinforce her reasons for leaving.
I think you mean you are deadset on NOT asking her for reassurance. That is the right approach. By the way, seeking reassurance is another NGS symptom.
I'm just an internet stranger bringing my own baggage, and reading a brief posting of yours, then opining strongly on what you should do . So take this for what it is:
Have you considered changing to a different MC? With a different style? 1.5 years is a long time to go to MC with little to no progress. I would say this is a MUST.
Also I'm a little wary about your W being nice and cordial. She expressed guilt about your feelings. If I was in your W's shoes and I felt that way, and I also wanted a D, I might plan to separate first, go to MC, and let you down easy. I'm not saying I know definitively what's in her head, I'm just saying be careful about connecting dots. You have NO CLUE what she is really thinking. It is hard to accept, because when times were good you two were probably in sync, so you may think you understand how her brain works. At this point, assume you don't know.
