Well a lot of times the LBS sees it as minor stuff, but what we don't realize is it's having a bigger impact on the WAS than the realize. She may have been deeply hurting for a long time over not being heard and not feeling like she was in an R. Do take her seriously and don't try to dismiss it as "no big deal, she must be crazy instead". We men, we think that if we're a good parent and a good provider and keep the yard mowed and help with something now and then that that's enough to keep our W happy. But she wants to feel an emotional connection, she wants to be nurtured and listened to and since we don't value that ourselves, we don't see why someone else would. So we starve them of affection without even realizing it.
Yes, this was a very painful realization that I've come to over the past week. I think about it similarly to the clarity someone must feel when they're peering over the edge of a bridge.
She said in counseling that she was feeling very guilty, because she knows I'm hurting and while she is hurting too, she is most upset by thinking about the pain I'm in. I replied that I feel very guilty as well, because I didn't do enough to hear her and to be a partner to her. I'm incredibly remorseful. It's so clear to me now, and it's an awful feeling to think that it might be too late.
Anyway, thank you for the thoughtful reply. I guess I'm in a bit of denial, telling myself that a trial separation as opposed to divorce, her wanting to remain in counseling, and her general cordialness to me is a positive sign overall. Some very tough days ahead.
