Fast forward to today, a little over two years later, and we're separating. Her choice, terming it a "trial separation". It's hurting very badly, but I've read just about every article on here and elsewhere on the topic, and I'm taking the approach that my best move is to grant her the space that she needs, work on myself, not to overstep boundaries, and be patient.
Yes, exactly.
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As for why, there's a few paper cuts but nothing huge: no affairs that I know of, no abuse. We are in different places in our professional lives: I've risen to the C-suite of my company, and she chose to remove herself from the working world in order to follow her lifelong passions of art and community organization. This created a difficult power imbalance, which was compounded by lack of seeing eye-to-eye on finances; she would ask for more safety in terms of saving, and for lifestyle changes in order to feel more comfortable. I was reticent and stubborn to change my behavior - damn my independence - which made her feel not heard, and not in a true partnership. There have also been instances of trust violations: no affairs, but little lies about stupid things that built up a wall.
Well a lot of times the LBS sees it as minor stuff, but what we don't realize is it's having a bigger impact on the WAS than the realize. She may have been deeply hurting for a long time over not being heard and not feeling like she was in an R. Do take her seriously and don't try to dismiss it as "no big deal, she must be crazy instead". We men, we think that if we're a good parent and a good provider and keep the yard mowed and help with something now and then that that's enough to keep our W happy. But she wants to feel an emotional connection, she wants to be nurtured and listened to and since we don't value that ourselves, we don't see why someone else would. So we starve them of affection without even realizing it.
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In the early stages, it was a lot about the emotional labor of her having to manage our lives, our household, and so on. Later it was about finances, security, and our sex life.
The problem with a WAS is when they bring this stuff up it's not because they want it fixed. Their heart has already left the M. So all they're doing is explaining why it's over. So if she gives you a list and you fix those things, then she gives you another list. There is no winning her back by checking off boxes from her list. That's not to say you shouldn't do 180's, you should. But you have to do them for yourself to be a better person because it's not going to have an immediate impact on her. With time she may come to appreciate your changes, and THEN maybe you can start a new R with her.
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She's moving out in two weeks, and since the news, we've been cordial and kind to each other, but awkward and distant. Right after she told me, I had a work trip overseas during which I was a wreck, making the mistake of calling her to talk through some of the pain I was feeling. I also wrote her a long letter explaining some of the areas in which I feel I've failed her, and committing towards fixing them together and to her. At the very least, she can't say she doesn't know how I feel, or that I don't recognize areas in which I've hurt her.
No more letters or calls or begging and pleading. You are correct, she knows how you feel. No need to remind her, that's just putting pressure on her and right now she wants zero pressure.
