Got a life, now what?

[97Hope]

Journaling,

Work colleague came over from the UK to our office on Monday. He was GORGEOUS and funny and we had an amazing day at work. Laughed our heads off and worked well together.

Everyone was going out last night and I was going to go, but I felt a shift and I decided that it was not a good place for me. I was enjoying his attention in a way that would not lead to good things. While I don't think either one of us would have crossed a line, I just knew that I was looking into attention too much.

Felt a little embarrassed that a fun day at work with a handsome man did so much for my confidence, and then I reminded myself that I am 1. Human 2. Still a woman. So I went to bed with my laptop and watched comedy until I fell asleep.

I should mention that this is the first time in 15 years that I have genuinely found a man attractive other than my H. It was both scary and also let me know that if this doesn't work out, I'm not doomed to spinsterhood for life. Don't know if that makes sense to anyone, but I've just been a little scared that I won't ever feel about anyone the way I do my H and that can be sad and scary.

Birthday party for H's cousin on saturday. H will leave town tomorrow for 2 weeks. I want to go, but no one knows our sitch and I don't know if I want to 'pretend' anymore. Scratch that, I don't want to pretend, but I also don't want anyone to know (from his family). Only 2 people know and they don't know much of anything.

On one hand I feel disloyal to them for not being honest, but on the other hand, I'm trying to respect boundaries.

Who knows what I will decide between now and then. Today, I'm going to enjoy my day off!! It's not hades hot so I'm going to get some things done outside.

Hope everyone is staying strong.