Brave Little Gerda Faces the Icy Game of Reason

[Rita]

Well, I think I am entering a period of grief.

It is so much better without H here, but with all the struggle to get this apartment ready to rent, and all the other above, there has been no peace and quiet -- just a lonely quiet and feeling totally overwhelmed.

Last night I just fell apart for a few hours of serious crying out to God. Just about the unbearable loneliness. This is a loneliness that has been with me since I was 14 years old, when my family fell apart and both of my own parents went bonkers (mom MLC, dad reacting badly, waves of awfulness across extended family that was before that very close). For a little while, when my H and I were close, I did not have it anymore, but really most of my life has been that way, feeling totally alone, and only now in the last five years do I have the grace of feeling that God is with me.

But the physical loneliness has become overwhelming now that H is out and I don't have to just simmer in my PTSD of his abuse. And trying to get this apartment ready all alone is just so hard!

Realizing that this is real, he really is divorcing me. And a horrible letter I got from MIL, which I will post here just to point out that MLC has a wide berth.

So I know this must be part of grief and there must be something past it. But right now I am low low low.

Here is the letter from MIL. I wrote to her because she stopped seeing us when MLC started, just totally stopped coming and sees my kids at most once a year (generally because I scrape together the money for plane tickets, twice even paying for H to come too, she has never helped me even with groceries on a visit since MLC started) while before that she was with us all the time. So since she is so disconnected and did not know, when I told her in Dec, that H had filed, I didn't know if she knew H had moved out. My letter was very loving and said that it was too hard for me to live with someone who was divorcing me but that I really loved her and hoped she knew I was the same girl she always knew even if she was hearing some things about me that probably weren't true, and that I hoped she would stay in our lives and that I would bring the kids to see her in the fall. I asked her to pray for our marriage and family and said that I was not planning to start a life with anyone else but would always believe restoration was possible. So I got this in return, and it shows you what trauma H had with that kind of hard heart but it was hard to take her hatred on top of everything, I naively thought like most in-laws they' be so glad not to be cut out after divorce. Also I have never left my kids with her alone at their house because my FIL is a nasty raging alcoholic with guns in the house (and who abused H throughout his childhood) and extreme racist views that he spouts literally all day, etc., so I like to be a buffer there. Also just because it's nice to be all together as a family, even with people like that! I have known her since I was 23 years old, I am 47 now. And she basically wrote to tell me that she doesn't want to see me ever again and would only see my kids if I was nowhere near.

Hi, Gerda, i have received your letter, and it is hard to respond. H doesn't share much with me, and i prefer it that way. You have both failed very badly, so many wrong decisions, both because your own preferences and desires. The time to fix your marriage and lifestyle, long passed. Many years ago, you two made a decision to live in the City instead of suburbs, this is the price you are now paying.
I can't and do not wish to be part of your lives full of self made disasters, and complications of all kinds. I hope and pray, that both of you find some peace apart, and bring your lives into some meaningful path. I feel very bad for the kids, they need time away from both of you too. S and D are old enough to travel, so if they wish to come and visit their grandparents when the school is over, I will pay for their tickets. I love them and would take care of them.
Sorry I have to be this blunt, but I can't deal with your problems. You are both on your own. Maybe some day, H will restore his relationship with the kids, and can bring them here. He is our flesh and blood, and I will love him always.
Sorry,
MIL

Onward, will try to put one foot in front of other and get this post-construction dust under control....