I think I'm the same - I do understand H's behaviour as well as I can, and I think I'm able to show some forgiveness and compassion towards him. I think the key thing for me is that just because I can understand it, and feel sorry for it, and see it as a symptom of a wider dynamic that I have a responsibility in co-creating with him, none of that means that I should tolerate it. I suppose there's the thinking and reflecting - which I believe you and I are both very good at - but then that needs to translate into action, which I know I've been very stuck on. I want to keep the compassion and understanding I think I am developing towards H, and add to that some really clear and strong boundaries. He has a right to be angry. He's not a terrible person. I will not listen to him abuse me. All of those things can be true at the same time. I'm trying to move towards thinking about actions rather than concentrate on my thinking and reflecting so I am not falling into the trap of making excuses and tolerating more of the same. It's hard. I think some kinds of IC can keep you stuck in the reflection stage and not move you on to the 'taking action' stage - mine has done that for me a bit, I think, and perhaps your sense that you want more challenge from your IC is about you wanting to move towards taking some action for yourself? Perhaps that is even more important than understanding WHY you haven't taken action previously?
Edited to add: I wonder if the answer for both of us is very simple, when it comes to tolerating the intolerable. It is easier in the moment to capitulate, or pacify, then bear a grudge, then it is to set a boundary. Setting boundaries is hard. It takes confidence. It's a kind of 'relationship laziness' that creeps in when you get too sure of someone. I know I've been incredibly ungrateful and discourteous to H in ways that I'd never dream of being with other people - and it isn't because I don't love him, and it isn't because I'm a terrible person. Just a kind of entropy or inertia. I am sure setting boundaries is a way of being loving and courteous to yourself and the laziness sets in there too.
