An interesting update. H came to see me yesterday during the day while the kids were at school. He was very nervy, but spoke very respectfully and decently. I could see he was making an effort. We talked for a while - again, about therapy and also about the mortgage. He's still being quite evasive about what he wants - he doesn't want me to buy him out, but he's not giving me a figure for how much he wants to contribute to the mortgage either. I said he's not having it both ways, it's one or the other and I want to know which this week. He was okay with that.
I said that it didn't feel that we were both in places where we had a willingness to listen to each other without being defensive and be open to making changes in ourselves for the good of the marriage, and if that was true, therapy would feel like a pointless exercise to me. He assured me that he was. I wanted to ask him to give me an example, but I didn't. I said I wanted to listen to him and I wanted to take responsibility, but the way he communicated was really off-putting and I didn't want to hear any more of the angry, belittling remarks, the unconstructive criticism and nitpicking, the sarcasm. That it wasn't constructive to either getting things repaired, or moving things towards a peaceful D. And he accepted that.
He was talking again (this has been a regular refrain) about how things will be in the summer, and I said, 'well, it is summer. It's time, really, isn't it?' by which I meant to start actually repairing things, or for him to be truthful about not wanting to or not being able to repair things, and let me make my own decision as to what I do in response to that. He nodded. It was all very quiet and civil.
In the end we agreed to meet on Friday for a short walk and talk about it a bit more. I said I wanted to hear what he had to say - the no holds barred truth with no evasions or game playing - and that I could commit to listening to that carefully if he could offer the same to me. I said I wasn't going to give him hysteria and ultimatums, but I was keen to move forward with my life one way or another and it felt like time for me to start doing that. And that's how we left it.
So I guess we will leave each other alone to mull things over for a few days. The kids came back from school while he was here and he was very proactive with Youngest - doing homework - and he and Eldest had a friendly nice conversation. Eldest was a bit rude with him at one point and I leapt in to challenge that. Perhaps I should have let H do it himself, but I'm not sure he has the confidence to just yet and Eldest did need pulling up on his attitude. He's still picking Youngest up tonight and having him at his own house - I'm sticking to that.
