But even earlier in our relationship when things weren't in this terrible dynamic, I would get anxious about what I interpreted as his distancing behaviours. I would share something with him - perhaps tell him that I loved him, or share a problem or even just tell him something that had happened about my day, and he'd be very taciturn in his response. He'd say 'okay' or something like that. Not all the time, but very often. I work in the arts and he's never once looked at any of my work - which is meant for the public - ever. He says it's because he doesn't understand it, but I've always felt he's just uninterested in the thing that's very important to me. He'd like to wear his headphones and listen to music when we were driving somewhere together. He'd be reluctant to commit to planning a future - even to the point of letting me know when I would next see him (he still doesn't like to commit to regular times for anything, which is difficult when it comes to contact with children and GAL for me) and he is very evasive when asked direct questions about what he wants - about anything at all, from big life stuff, to what he'd like to eat for tea. I always interpreted these things as him pushing me away, and rather than just pulling back myself, which would have been the healthier thing to do, I'd tend to cling - which entrenched the dynamic. It wasn't awful earlier than the last couple of years, but there was this undercurrent of me never really feeling desired or wanted. It was a deep sadness to me. But I can learn not to take that personally - he doesn't really seem to desire or want anything, or at least, has massive trouble expressing that in a way that makes sense to me. I think deep down he's a very fearful, anxious and possibly quite empty person.
Wearing headphones when you're driving somewhere together? Wow... Do you think your H is maybe on the autistic spectrum? Or has some kind of sensory sensitivies? I know my H has this thing about noise, misophonia (I read about it recently, it's a real thing, I thought it was him being nitpicky, especially as he listens to music REALLY loud).
The thing about your work is interesting, do you think maybe he was jealous of the time and attention it took? My H was similarly completely dismissive of my work. He would even stop me midsentence when I was telling him about my work (which most people find really interesting when I tell them) to say that he didn't care and didn't want to hear about it. He was breathtakingly rude to me and then I would feel wounded and retreat and not talk to him. And then after BD he said stuff like 'we don't care about each other's work' and I'd think 'well, you definitely didn't want to listen even though I listened to you talk about yours for HOURS'. But when H said yesterday that the last 5-6 years I should have listened to him, that timeframe is the length of time I've been doing this work for. I think there's a lot of jealousy there. I used to say 'do you want me to be the kind of wife who cleans the house, gets her nails done and goes shopping and that's it? Because I need other stuff in my life'. Funnily enough his sister is exactly that sort of wife and he doesn't think highly of her...But maybe my H did feel that he wasn't being given enough attention because between work and kids and domestic stuff there might not have been much time or inclination for me to be there for him. If only he was capable of saying 'I feel unloved and worried that you give so much of yourself to work and don't save any for me, please let's spend some time together'.
But actually, that is a real 180 my H has made since BD, he asks me how my work is going, he came to a talk I gave about it and enjoyed it, and expresses at least some interest in it. And I have been careful to validate him when he talks about his work (which is always about the politics and egos not technical details) because before I would probably offer suggestions and different perspectives on how people behaved, but he just needed validation.
The planning thing: my H was obsessed with planning holidays because he wanted something to look forward to, but he wouldn't share his diary with me, tell me what he was doing in the next week, tell me if he was going to be home late (but then complain if there was no dinner on the table, or if dinner was on the table he would say he didn't want it and get a takeaway). I tried so very hard to find out basic details but the only time he told me his movements would be when I didn't have my phone on so couldn't write it down, and then he would refuse to email or text me reminders. If I did write stuff down (I have a weird memory, things like dates and stuff fall out easily) he would mock me for being stupid and forgetful. He has actually improved on this a lot since BD. He sometimes even asks me to text him reminders of arrangements we've made. He will volunteer what he's doing for the next week or so when he asks me what I'm up to.
'I think deep down he's a very fearful, anxious and possibly quite empty person', yes this is pretty much what I feel about my H too. He was extraordinarily hard to live with, sometimes I think the kids and I feel relief that he's not here all the time. I used to enjoy his company on holiday, but the weekends he was exhausted and recovering from work and weeknights he was awful, grumpy and tired and shouty and boring. His job is literally killing him and his relationship with his family, it's no fun at all being him but he clings to his job and alcohol even more since he left, he used to talk about looking forward to retirement in a couple of years but now, who knows
