Yes, I was like that before the separation - for a couple of years, but not always. I'd either be trying to avoid his criticism / sulking / nasty remarks by making sure the house was the way he liked it, that the kids behaved the way he wanted them to, or I would be kind of expecting the criticism and in a bad and irritable mood, primed to get it. Sometimes I'd behave like a sulky child and just refuse to do even the basics because what would be the point when I'm just going to get moaned at anyway? That's on me - of course.
When he was around recently (the lamb and lipstick day) I was hovering about like a fly wiping up crumbs and making sure the curtains were closed the way he likes them closed, etc etc, and it was horrible but I was doing it anyway. I'm not a terrible parent or a terrible housekeeper, but he seems to believe that when I do things differently to him, it's an insult to him. It was impossible to live with.
Towards the end it really escalated to the point where he was kicking things around Youngest's bedroom because it wasn't tidy enough, and I was following him about telling him his behaviour was totally unacceptable, and he was shouting that Youngest wouldn't be so untidy if I was a better parent. It was awful. When I've seen him during the separation and things have been more relaxed (rarely) I think it's because he knows he can go back to his little room where he's in complete control, so can tolerate not being pacified for a couple of hours. (Mind reading on my part - but I think it's fair to say that he can't cope or isn't happy in a normal chaotic family environment and isn't willing to look inwards to see why that might be and resolve that). There's been no real change in him, nor admission that his stress and anxiety was making him behave in controlling ways, just a fairly persistent belief than the outside world needs to adjust to make sure he feels okay.
Oh wow, that sounds very familiar! My H also has this thing about me being a terrible housekeeper because I do things differently from him. And yes I got to the stage where I would think 'if he's going to criticise me whatever I do then I might as well not bother'. We were always fairly messy when we were first married, and he gradually tolerated less and less mess and family chaos over the years. And families are chaotic, that's pretty unavoidable. Who wants to live as a kid too frightened to make mess or noise? I think H has got a bit better about kids and mess and so on, or at least less critical (I suppose it's easier to be less critical when you're not there much) but I doubt he connects this stuff with his stress and anxiety and control issues either. Gosh, they were pretty unbearable to live with weren't they?
