Yes, I was like that before the separation - for a couple of years, but not always. I'd either be trying to avoid his criticism / sulking / nasty remarks by making sure the house was the way he liked it, that the kids behaved the way he wanted them to, or I would be kind of expecting the criticism and in a bad and irritable mood, primed to get it. Sometimes I'd behave like a sulky child and just refuse to do even the basics because what would be the point when I'm just going to get moaned at anyway? That's on me - of course.
When he was around recently (the lamb and lipstick day) I was hovering about like a fly wiping up crumbs and making sure the curtains were closed the way he likes them closed, etc etc, and it was horrible but I was doing it anyway. I'm not a terrible parent or a terrible housekeeper, but he seems to believe that when I do things differently to him, it's an insult to him. It was impossible to live with.
Towards the end it really escalated to the point where he was kicking things around Youngest's bedroom because it wasn't tidy enough, and I was following him about telling him his behaviour was totally unacceptable, and he was shouting that Youngest wouldn't be so untidy if I was a better parent. It was awful. When I've seen him during the separation and things have been more relaxed (rarely) I think it's because he knows he can go back to his little room where he's in complete control, so can tolerate not being pacified for a couple of hours. (Mind reading on my part - but I think it's fair to say that he can't cope or isn't happy in a normal chaotic family environment and isn't willing to look inwards to see why that might be and resolve that). There's been no real change in him, nor admission that his stress and anxiety was making him behave in controlling ways, just a fairly persistent belief than the outside world needs to adjust to make sure he feels okay.
But even earlier in our relationship when things weren't in this terrible dynamic, I would get anxious about what I interpreted as his distancing behaviours. I would share something with him - perhaps tell him that I loved him, or share a problem or even just tell him something that had happened about my day, and he'd be very taciturn in his response. He'd say 'okay' or something like that. Not all the time, but very often. I work in the arts and he's never once looked at any of my work - which is meant for the public - ever. He says it's because he doesn't understand it, but I've always felt he's just uninterested in the thing that's very important to me. He'd like to wear his headphones and listen to music when we were driving somewhere together. He'd be reluctant to commit to planning a future - even to the point of letting me know when I would next see him (he still doesn't like to commit to regular times for anything, which is difficult when it comes to contact with children and GAL for me) and he is very evasive when asked direct questions about what he wants - about anything at all, from big life stuff, to what he'd like to eat for tea. I always interpreted these things as him pushing me away, and rather than just pulling back myself, which would have been the healthier thing to do, I'd tend to cling - which entrenched the dynamic. It wasn't awful earlier than the last couple of years, but there was this undercurrent of me never really feeling desired or wanted. It was a deep sadness to me. But I can learn not to take that personally - he doesn't really seem to desire or want anything, or at least, has massive trouble expressing that in a way that makes sense to me. I think deep down he's a very fearful, anxious and possibly quite empty person.
