Flying Too Close to the Sun

[Holding]

S16 was discharged from the hospital, and now he's in daily outpatient group therapy. He spent last week with me, and we actually had a very good week together. He was much more helpful that usual, I gave him more space, and he got the things done he needed to do (not staying up all night, waking up on time and being ready, helping with chores). He opened up a little about his feelings with me. I hope things continue like this.

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S16's hospitalization was an unexpected expense for XW - over $2k. (Background: Because of her significantly higher yearly income, she agreed in mediation to be responsible for all insurance, medical, dental, and vision costs. With that said, the financial scales are still tipped heavily in her favor, but she is constantly struggling financially for some reason.)

She asked me to split the hospital expense with her. I replied that it was her responsibility, but I was willing to offer $400. (Keep in mind we communicate exclusively through the OFW website). She accepted, but not before trying to shame me about my "overly generous contribution". Then she demanded I send the money directly to her father, because that's where she borrowed the money from. I replied that I would only pay the money directly to her through the OFW website.

The next day I got a text message from her father that read: "I have tried to stay out this sh1t between you and my daughter, but I have to say you are the biggest f*cking @$$hole I've ever had the misfortune of knowing. You are the most deadbeat father of all time. Congratulations f*ck face."

I didn't respond. I just blocked him. And I sent the message to XW on OFW saying this is the reason I do not want to enter into any financial arrangements with her father. She continued to demand a check from me, and I reiterated that I would only make a payment through the OFW website. She sent a final demand, which I didn't respond to. Now there's been a week of silence from her. The calm before the storm...

I'd hoped the hospitalization would've given XW and me some common ground to co-exist.

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I've been reading a lot about BPD and narcissism. I think it helps me understand XW's entitled and demanding behavior. It explains why she flies into a rage when she's told "no", and why she needs to always be the victim.

I still think about the mistakes I made in the M, how maybe I didn't react the right way or nurture the R. I do well for a long stretch, and then I feel myself slipping when XW starts a fight about money (the last one was when she tried to get me to split the IRS debt that she hid during mediation, debt that was in her name only).

I recently had an interesting dream: I was walking in an office building, where the hallways were like a maze. I came across XW, who was stopped with her bags on the ground, and she looked lost. She greeted me happily with a smile, as if we were still married. I looked at her sideways, and asked if she was feeling ok. She said she felt disoriented and couldn't remember anything. I said "good luck with that", and kept on walking. After a minute, I felt this really powerful urge to find her and say something. So I retraced my steps, but she was no longer there. I searched frantically for a few minutes, but finally found her. I said, "Look, before everything that's happened comes rushing back to you, I want you to know I'm sorry I couldn't give you what you needed, and I wish things had turned out different." She just looked confused and said "ok", and that was it.

My IC says I should tell XW that in person. I don't expect XW to have any favorable reaction to it (most likely it'll be anger). I just feel like it's something I need to free myself from. On the other had, would this be giving her narcissistic supply?

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One of my divorced friends described the "yearning" - the powerful feeling to establish a new romantic R after D. Then at some point after a year or so, the yearning goes away, and you start to feel complete on your own. Since I've taken a break from OLD, I think my yearning has gone. I'm realizing how stressful OLD was, and I'm much more at ease without it. I don't have the same drive to get out and date like I used to. I'm cool to just "be".