However, before I finished my therapy, my wife initiated separation.
Please let us know you're basic info- ages of you, W and the kids, how long you were married, when was BD. How long do you feel you were neglecting her? She may have been done and planning her exit long before you started therapy.
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She always threatened this but this time she did it.
Going back how far? What did she cite as the reasons?
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However, I also felt cheated in that I wasn't given the opportunity to finish my transformation and subsequently rectify my contribution to separation.
This is the reason I'm asking for dates, if she's been enduring a decade or more of neglect and threatening to leave for that long, and you've just now started changing then I'm not sure it's reasonable to expect her to wait around to see what happens. Right now she has no reason to believe you will change, or that your changes will be permanent. She needs time to see and believe that.
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It didn't matter that we separated. I started expressing myself and attempting affection (but to no avail).
Of course it mattered that you had separated. The whole idea of separation is to give her time and space, and instead you were trying to smother her with affection. Try and imagine what that looked like to her. She probably hated it.
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Maybe I'm being perceived as trying too hard and being needy but from my point of view I'm acting on my feelings.
DB'ing is setting aside your own point of view and trying to see things from hers. And yes you are probably correct that you just looked needy, desperate and clingy to her.
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despite my situation, which I regard as the worst in my life, I'm actually the happiest I've ever been in my life. My kids are my reason to live, and I see them as my project to ensure they learn to have a healthy outlook on emotions.
Good! Keep moving in that direction.
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WIth this new revelation I can now stand my ground and no longer feel like sh$t. The corresponding anger and manipulation cycles with civility and almost the hope of being together. I'm always calm in these generated conflicts and confidently deflect all her tricks. When she has a point, I even acknowledge it. Sometimes the arguments are just ridiculous and inside I just laugh.
What do you mean by stand your ground and "deflect all her tricks"? Have you read Cadet's links, especially the one on validation? What are these "anger and manipulation cycles" you are referring to? Sounds like there's a lot about the dynamic between the two of you that you are brushing off. You need to become the master of keeping your cool, listening and validating.
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I could almost accept her silly tricks if I knew she was putting in an effort to change.
What do you think she needs to change? Sounds like you're the one that needs to change, and that your actions and inactions are responsible for the trauma to the M. What do you mean by "silly tricks"?
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Deep down I know an anxious person is not for me and ultimately if she doesn't change I must leave.
You started out accepting blame for things but you slowly transitioned to blaming her. Don't you think all those years of neglect and ignoring her needs may be what made her "anxious"?
