First time poster. In fact, I avoid forums, but I ran across the book and the forums seem to have a nice community about them. Always up to try something new! I'll keep this brief. Haha, maybe not!
Last year I started to attend therapy in response to a traumatic life event. After a couple of months of therapy, I realized I suffered from Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN). As a child I learned to suppress my emotions and as an adult I just avoid confrontation, passively taking out my frustration. Understanding this was an absolute eye opener. I always felt I was just born weird, but all this time it was simply a lack of understanding emotions. On dealing with this I was reborn and literally awoke to life.
However, before I finished my therapy, my wife initiated separation. She felt neglected and now that the children were older she had enough. She always threatened this but this time she did it. I didn't blame her. I really didn't give her the intimacy she craved and fully understood exactly how I contributed to that isolation. However, I also felt cheated in that I wasn't given the opportunity to finish my transformation and subsequently rectify my contribution to separation.
After separation and during the end of my transformation, I really came out of my emotional shell. I saw my partner in a new light. As a worthy person, whom I don't resent, and deserving of my full love that was always inside but never came out. It didn't matter that we separated. I started expressing myself and attempting affection (but to no avail). It started to look like we'd come around until she then pulled back. Close, yet not there. Maybe I'm being perceived as trying too hard and being needy but from my point of view I'm acting on my feelings. This new me has been around for 6 months and I still live under the same roof as my wife, just in different rooms.
I should point out that finally understand that happiness is my responsibility and despite my situation, which I regard as the worst in my life, I'm actually the happiest I've ever been in my life. My kids are my reason to live, and I see them as my project to ensure they learn to have a healthy outlook on emotions.
About a month ago, I stumbled across a blog that went into deep detail on toxic behaviours and something snapped. I realised that because of CEN I was avoidant and that all my previous relationships were to anxious people. Despite my recovery, I did not recognise and address the boundary violations that occurred (Somehow all this got missed with my psychologist so go figure). I knew I wasn't at fault, but I could never describe why. Now I could. Relationship scorecard, projection, holding the relationship hostage and blaming me for her emotions are the tricks of the anxious. The tragedy is that my children experience some of these tactics too something I'm subtly addressing.
WIth this new revelation I can now stand my ground and no longer feel like sh$t. The corresponding anger and manipulation cycles with civility and almost the hope of being together. I'm always calm in these generated conflicts and confidently deflect all her tricks. When she has a point, I even acknowledge it. Sometimes the arguments are just ridiculous and inside I just laugh. Gotta see the positive.
I'm still not at the point where I can confidentially bust up my family by walking away (She already tried to manipulate me to do that, and I stood my ground). She has so many other great attributes like bringing joy to life in a way I can't. I could almost accept her silly tricks if I knew she was putting in an effort to change. I know can't make her change, but she has noticed my transformation. I can see she backs off on some of her toxic behaviour even though she won't admit it.
But here is my point. I have to wonder, does the Last Resort Technique apply here? Could it ever? Does the LRT even make sense if the other is anxious? I've seriously thought of implementing this. I was already doing different things long before I even discovered LRT interestingly enough and LRT seems compelling enough to try. But I'm unsure how it would work if we are still under the same roof. Seems to me "going dark" would only heighten the anxiety and prove that I can't communicate. I can avoid relationship talk and I need not act happy as I already am. But I can't just snub her.
Deep down I know an anxious person is not for me and ultimately if she doesn't change I must leave. But let's assume that she is capable of change and I am strong enough and willing to put up with fending off her manipulations.
What do you all think? Thoughts? Comments?
If you have questions, just ask. One hundred percent transparent here. No avoidance.
