As of yesterday I have started to pull away just a little (it feels passive/aggressive) but I'm not doing it for her reaction in anyway. It's because of how much time and affection we are sharing WITHOUT the commitment. I feel like I/we are walking into a 'trap' where she doesn't really commit but yet we still act like we are reconciling.
If it feels passive/aggressive, maybe you aren't doing it the right way. Could you explain this a little more?
There are some who see pulling back to mean they have to be somewhat cold to their spouse. In your situation, I don't recommend that you act cold. Think of it as giving her freedom and/or personal space. Don't pursue by initiating contact, inviting her to go somewhere, etc. Let her initiate text messages, email, calls, etc. You can respond, show warmth & friendliness without over-doing things........can't you?
I know what you mean about the trap. IDK about her, but most of the WW's I've read about,(who are not completely on board in doing the necessary work to save the M) prefer to by-pass the MC,........and resist giving a 100% commitment. Needless to say, they hate transparency and usually resist it. (BTW, some MC are not supporters of transparency.)
I think your W will use affection & sex to slither under the door and secure her place back in the home and avoid commitment & transparency, and maybe other terms you may have in order to reconcile. I've seen it happen too many times!
P-Jam, just continue to remember that she has a heart condition. In order for the MR to have a fair chance, she's going to have to do a lot of work on her heart and get all that negative stuff out. It won't be pleasant for her, but as long as she has willingness......then anything is possible.
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Also, I understand not initiating the relationship talks - but it is hard to avoid if she starts the conversation.
As long as she conducts the talk in a peaceful and respectful manner.....then she probably just wants you to listen. If so, then that's when you can apply validation. Just don't over-kill with it. If she should suggest that the two of you try some other route to reconciliation, and you don't agree......then just tell her. Don't go back over everything you have previously told her you require in order to reconcile. She knows, okay?
From what I have been able to determine in the majority of WW cases, she'll resist giving commitment upfront. She wants to just try dating or living together "to see how it goes". You have already stated your conditions, so all you have to do is tell her (at the end of her talk) that you can't go forward without commitment. Then don't argue or pressure her about it. She knows where you stand.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
