Dilly 2.1 part 5

[SteveLW]

Steve: I agree that there are differences based on gender, which is why it's valuable to get different perspectives. Otherwise we end up with segregated threads and entrenched views, and entrenched views are partly how we got here! I think that part of the problem in my M is that my H is a ridiculously hard working breadwinner and I ended up as an unappreciated SAHM, and we lived such separate lives both of us felt resentful of each other and unvalued and lacking in understanding of the other person's perspective. In any M there are inequalities and misunderstandings and these creep in and multiply over time, sometimes these are gender-based and sometimes they're power-based, and the two interact.

Steve: I valued reading your thread because your description of your behaviour pre BD was very like my H's, and it gave me hope in him changing. Getting a male perspective is good even if it's a LBH instead of a WAH, because there are certain ways of looking at a situation that you might understand differently from a woman. For example, my H has said to me frequently that his ego is everything, and that embarrassment is the one thing he cannot tolerate. He works in a hugely competitive environment (of mostly men) and it is really hard for me to understand from a female perspective, because it is SO male-oriented.

And oh, the bitterness is so hard to avoid isn't it? But I want IH to be better, not bitter. I found it empowering to step out of blaming and bitterness (though I have to admit to a right old pity party on the phone to a friend this morning though, thank goodness I didn't ring my H then!) because bitterness gives all the power to your spouse. So I'm sorry if I was a bit blunt earlier IH, I like Steve's explanation of you ranting to decrease pain. Natural, but ultimately unproductive I think. And it's so much easier to see bitterness and victim behaviour in other people than in ourselves, I usually have to spot it in someone else to make me reflect how I'm doing it myself.

Sorry for the thread hijack Destroyd

Moving this to your thread.

Your first paragraph, as you know, described my sitch to a tee! "I think that part of the problem in my M is that my H is a ridiculously hard working breadwinner and I ended up as an unappreciated SAHM, and we lived such separate lives both of us felt resentful of each other and unvalued and lacking in understanding of the other person's perspective. "

And I agree 100% that the opposite sex's perspective is invaluable. But one of the reason sandi's advice is so good is because she has been a WW, so she can council LBHs dealing with a WW on what works. But you are also right in that LBHs and LBWs have a lot to offer one another. Which is why I do try to chime in on LBW's threads too. Especially the ones that seem to be over accommodating to the WAHs/WHs. One of the thing that I think sets LBHs apart, in general (and there have been recent examples of the exceptions to this rule) is that LBHs tend to move on a bit quicker and easier than LBWs do. I think there are gender differences, but also societal pressures at play in that.

I agree with you on your bitterness paragraph, except I do think there is value in ranting. I think the point I was making overall is that we should be careful not to judge each other. If dillydaf needs to talk about how awful men are in a few posts to feel better about her sitch, I say go for it. I will not take it personally. We all are entited to a bit of ranting. Here or elsewhere. However, you are spot on with being careful to play the victim. "Poor me, I am an innocent victim of evil women's doings!" is certainly counterproductive. A, it is untrue, and B, no spouse, no matter how good they may have been as a partner, are innocent. And the more veteran posters here are usually good at calling out a LBS that starts to play the victim.

In general, I think we are all here trying to help and support one another. But I take some of the things that LBSs say in anger, bitterness and frustration with a huge grain of salt. IH I don't think, is misogynist. He is jilted, hurt, and not sure how to deal with the bitterness and anger that goes with all of that. Which is why I am a huge proponent of IC for the LBS.

Very good, and astute observations though dilly! I also wanted to point out that it is interesting how similar our situations were/are, yet in your sitch it was your H that walked away, while in my sitch it was my W that walked away. I think this speaks right to the heart of your original point to IH, which I concur with completely. And that is that walkaway disease is a genderless condition.