Hmm. It is obviously really important to him in some way. Perhaps being 'looked after' domestically is how he feels cared for. Is acts of service his love language? (My H's definitely an acts of service man. I remember once me crying because he hadn't slept in bed with me, touched me or even smiled at me for several weeks, and I asked him if he even loved me, and he pointed to the fact that he'd mowed the lawns that weekend... I can laugh about it now, not so much then!)
Not to say that means you need to clean up after him - but I've come to understand from my own situation that rows over the correct loading of the dishwasher are never really about the correct way to load the dishwasher. I'm more of a 'look, if the stuff is clean and we have enough dishes, who cares?' sort of person but there's a part of H that really really needs me to care in the same way as he does, because it feels like I am not caring about him if I don't. As we don't live together right now, I plan to do the housework, or not, as I see fit - but I can see if we were ever to live with each other again, we'd have to start from scratch and work out something that suited both of us in terms of housework.
Anyway - this isn't about a married couple working out some middle ground in domestic arrangements. This is about him being a 100% cast iron %&#@&* and you figuring out a healthy and dignified response to it. I can see why you feel it was like a cat coming in and spraying in the house - and perhaps marking territory was some of it - but from the outside it looks to me like a childish bid for care. He still wants mummy to pick up after him.
P.S I finished that book. It was okay - quite light in the end, and not as 'meaty' as I'd hoped. But it was well written and funny and I thought the writer did a really good job of making a narrative out of lots of different patient's stories, and her own life and history, and her more theoretical reflections on therapy and what the relationship between therapist and client can be like. It's very American - she calls her clients 'patients' so the dynamic is a bit different - but worth a read. Also - lots and lots of very short chapters so might be a good listen while running.
P.P.S - I've just thought what your husband's behaviour reminds me of. There's a chapter in a book called 'The Examined Life' about a client who obviously and repeatedly lies to his therapist, and to everyone he's close to. And because most people are awkward or polite, they never really challenge him on those lies - and they really were increasingly outlandish and silly. And in the end, once the psychoanalyst gets to the bottom of it, this client is apparently trying to recreate an experience of early childhood where he felt really loved by his mother. He used to wet the bed, and every morning he'd pull the cover over so nobody would know, and every afternoon the linen would be washed and his pyjamas washed and under his pillow - his mother cleaned it up as if nothing had happened. Apparently as an adult the obvious lying to people who ignored it was the same sort of thing - he wanted to feel loved. That's what sprang to mind when I thought about your H's mess. But as you may have guessed, I overthink EVERYTHING.
