I like that about not picking up other people's problems, I suppose that's what validation is about. It's about accepting and understanding someone else's feelings without getting dragged into the middle of it. That does sound painful seeing flashes of the old him occasionally, because it must get your hopes up a bit maybe?
I think it used to. I don't think he's got a masterplan and is deliberately giving me breadcrumbs or stringing me along - though I've let that happen. I think he's genuinely in a state, would like to repair things and hasn't done the individual work to understand why he does the things he does. Now and again there's a half-apology, or an improvement in the way he communicates with me, or some gesture of practical help (which is actually no more than the father of my children should be offering) but they're not consistent. I think I'm moving - very unevenly and slowly - to accepting that those little flashes and moments of connection or kindness or insight or taking of responsibility that I see in him are nowhere near enough. I want and deserve better than that.
Things continue peacefully today. He was in touch to moan more about his life, and the birthday party. Apparently it was hard work having Youngest at the weekend and he didn't get a moment to himself, and Youngest was difficult over homework. I think in the last six months we've been living apart he's had Youngest at his house about 10-15 times - and sends him back with his dirty laundry. So my heart is not quite aching for him. Today's moan was there's just too much to do and he's so stressed about it al (he's got about three weeks off work, and no household to run). I validated. He was talking about sorting out the garden at my house (little bit of a jungle right now) sending invites, booking bouncy castle, etc. I told him I'd taken care of it all and have made an arrangement with a few friends to come and help me with lawn and hedges next weekend. No need for him to come to the house. He sounded surprised. I don't know what he expects - he was given his chance to collaborate with me peacefully and instead wanted an argument, so I backed away and sorted it out on my own. He wasn't hostile - he just sounded quite lost and sad, and I felt pity for him, but not enough to dive in and sort it out for him or reassure him. I don't have any intention of excluding him from his children's lives, but if he can't BE a husband, he doesn't get a wife. If he can't peacefully co-parent with me, then we can parallel parent and he's free to do whatever he thinks is best regarding birthdays and such in his own time. I think the lack of defensiveness on my part, followed by the quiet taking of action, is putting him into a spin. I need to get on with my summer more than I need to argue or placate him.
