At the moment, she doesn’t like spending too much time away from home because ‘it doesn’t feel like home’. This place has always been temporary and isn’t big enough for it to feel like home for her and, although it breaks my heart, I don’t want to force her to spend time here when she feels safe (albeit lonely) at home. Whether this is the right attitude is hard to gauge at the moment.
One of the things I insisted on (and he adhered to) when my H moved out was he made room for our children in his new flat. They have (a shared) bedroom which is decorated with flowers and butterflies. D9 has a box of toys, some she took from here, others he has bought her over the past year. There are pictures of the children EVERYWHERE. When he first moved in he took them shopping so they could help him decorate. It is not home, but he has done everything he can to make it feel like home. His flat is far from a bachelors flat. In fact, he has little fairies housed in the rafters in his living room and fair lights around the pillars.
Make your flat a place D9 wants to go. Also, D9 will sometimes say she wants to stay in the house and we (her dad and I) will insist that she goes anyway. Not because I don't want her with me (in fact it kills me whenever my children leave) but because they need to spend time with her dad. Make spending time with you something to look forward to. On their first night with their dad the put on face masks and played board games. He make them pancakes in the morning and cooks them their favourite foods (spaghetti or steak - so not too difficult for him). He takes them places. He sits and watches movies with them. TBH - I have so much respect for him as a dad. A lot of fathers could take a page out of my H's book.
Originally Posted by Rooney
How did you get to a place where you were detached enough to make any path forward? I don’t see how it can be anything other than time and patience and the path itself will become clear.
Honestly, I don't know. I am not sure I am detached. I know I am not angry. I know that his actions don't effect me. I know I don't care anymore what he does or who he does it with. I only care that he is a good parent. And he is. Everything else is just noise.
Time and patience yes. But also, be willing to take a long hard look at yourself and take responsibility for the things that went wrong in your M. No-one is 100% responsible for the breakdown of a marriage. It happens over years, and we all contributed. If they are 100% responsible, then we are 100% responsible for allowing it to happen. Once you can look at your marriage objectively, you will realise that you are neither the victim or the villain. And then you can forgive. You will not be detached unless you can forgive.
The things that worked for me ... living in the present. Taking notice of the things around me. Challenging my mind and my body (I have done lots of solo holidays over the last year) and when those things aren't available, watching stand up comedy.
