Thank you. And yes, I do still see him in there sometimes - under all that fog. There are moments, right from the start of our situation and very recently - where I see the good man I know him to be underneath there and we've had a moment of connection. I don't read too much into that. It's possible for him to be a good, decent, kind man, and for him still to decide that marriage to me is not what he wants. At least in that case I hope we'd be able to parent with some kindness towards each other. Apart from those small moments - which are extremely painful to experience, more so than the usual lack of them - he isn't who I know him to be. I think the most loving thing right now is to take good care of myself and my kids and wish him well from afar.
Something I've learned I want to note here: he's depressed about a lot of things that aren't anything to do with me, and often vents about things I consider to be a normal part of adult life and the parenting of children. It's only since I've started trying to validate that, that I've noticed how often in our marriage I made his problems and feelings into my problems to fix, felt criticised or blamed and got defensive. I was thinking about recent text exchange about Eldest, who apparently had left the kitchen in a mess. In the past I'd have responded with something like, 'well what do you expect me to do about it? I'm working - you deal with it,' or 'it's not my fault he doesn't clean up after himself' or something like that. I don't think I saw how invalidating and unsupportive that was, or how much of the burden of his moods and irritations I was eagerly taking on myself, resenting taking on myself, or wasting energy defending myself against. Instead, I just said something like, 'sounds like you had a hard morning,' then left it at that. What Eldest does or doesn't do while his father is in charge isn't my problem or isn't for me to deal with. I consider it to be a minor matter. That felt like a real 180 for me. I don't care whether H notices it or not - that's not the point - I notice it in myself and I feel better and more peaceful for it and it is a lesson I want to keep and take into other relationships. Just because someone lays a problem at my feet, I don't need to pick it up.
