Married couple from Scandinavia

[BenB]

Good Morning Ben

How has the daily exchange of dog pictures been going?

I do understand your desire, your wish, to know if there is an OM or not. It is driven by an illusion of control. Knowing will not change anything. Let it go.

But right now I feel like I´m just waiting for proof that she has a hidden agenda so I can end this.

Yes, you feel this way. How do you think about this? What do you believe?

Stop feeding the feelings. Keep focused and thinking on better and not bitter, feelings will follow, and then beliefs.

Remember she is emotionally driven right now. Any agenda, hidden or not, will most likely change and often. Don’t end things because of her agenda(s), she is confused and irrational, make your decisions with better data and from a place when you are better.

End of this month, my w´s dad and stepmother are coming to visit us. Her dad knows nothing about this but her mom(not stepmom) knows everything. What do the vets here recommend here? Her dad visits us once a year and bought these flights before this even started.

Is there any option besides just hanging out with them as usual and pretend everything is fine?

How long is her Dad and stepmom visiting? Do they stay with you two or get a hotel?

I am not one to pretend a lot. I do get the fake it till you make it idea, that is to allow your emotions to settle and get through this. And that is not really pretending either. Just buying yourself time and giving you something to do while your mind and heart figure stuff out.

The upcoming visit is a bit different and similar.

I would like to point out that you are assuming her Dad doesn’t know anything about this. Her Mom knows (probably not everything), and may have told her Dad. Just helping with being accurate and keeping your feelings and thoughts on track.

I think you do not need to pretend (too much). You and W still sit and enjoy TV, talk to each other, laugh, and tell jokes. A couple more people around will most likely absorb a lot of any awkwardness that comes up.

Plan some activities, which I am guessing you probably do when they visit. The four of you probably go out for a few dinners, see an attraction, or park, or theatre, whatever. Kind of guessing you don’t just sit at home with them. And for those times, play a game, play some cards, visit and enjoy their company.

There is no need to air anything with them, keep the relationship out of it. Enjoy the visit for what it accurately is. Hang out with them as usual, they don’t have anything to do with what is going in between you and W. And I don’t believe you even need to pretend for that.

DnJ

Thank you DnJ,

The daily exchange hasn´t really happened much. I sent pictures the first two days and she replied with similar photos which we commented with emojis like in the old days. But I haven´t sent more after that and neither has she.

The last week or so it feels things have gotten worse. She seems very unhappy about being in this situation. There is some tension between us I can tell but I do my best to act as if everything is as usual. I try to be upbeat but that´s been difficult at times.

Last night she went out with her friends and stayed out very late, something she hasn´t done in weeks. At 2.30 am I receive a text from her saying she will stay at her friends place. I read it and went to sleep. 45 minutes later I receive another text saying she changed her mind and is on her way home. Around 3.30 I hear her come in but I fell back asleep quickly. Not sure what that was about. Old me would have had anxiety the next day, worrying about where she was but I haven´t thought about it at all.

Her dad will stay for the weekend only, they are staying at a hotel but we meet for dinner. Usually they buy us dinner at a restaurant one day and the next day we make dinner at our place.

DnJ, I must say that I feel unhappy living with my W like this. I don´t like this changed person. Every day is uncomfortable being near her. To see her lifeless, unhappy face...I don´t recognize her. I don´t know who she is. Even my dog often growls at her now when she tries to pet him or pick him up. I wonder if it´s because of her changed personality although she is very loving towards the dog as she´s always been. He just doesn´t seem to like her much since she changed.

My intuition tells me she is cake eating right now. That the only reason we are still together is because she has nowhere else to go. If there was an OM I´d be very surprised if my W would want to move in with him at this point. I am the only person she has ever lived with and it took 2 years before we decided to move in together. She likes her independence. My guess is she wishes she could afford to live on her own and can´t which increases her depression.

I´m trying hard not to ask her to leave. I don´t see how things can improve as long as we live together.

For now I´m trying to think of things to do. I´ll be traveling to another city for an event I´ve been invited to on Tursday. So I´ll be gone between Thursday and Saturday.

I can easily visualize my life without her these days, something that was unthinkable when I first started posting here. I day dream about it. I would travel to Peru with a friend, maybe stay a week in Mexico. I have to remind myself why I shouldn´t give up and that´s not easy.

Thought I was doing well with detachement. Today as post appeared in my newsfeed that my W had liked. It was this quote " If a person stays by your side through your most challenging times in life, they´re the ones who deserve to be with you through your best times" - the person who had posted this had this title "Supportive people deserve everything".

I caught myself thinking if she was thinking of me when she liked that post. So no, I´m not detached. Yet.