Recently I have been thinking about why I am standing for my M, and what that means. I decided to see my therapist this week to help me sort it out, and to just reconnect in case I feel the need for more focused help in the future, depending upon how events unfold. Historically, with boyfriends of long ago and other situations, I tend to drag out the inevitable because I wasn’t able to face the difficult decision. I waited until something happened to make the decision for me. I think about whether I am doing this now. I don’t think so.
I believe the last 8 months have been productive for me, and I realize I am strong enough to make whatever decisions are right for me and face the results. So, I don’t think I am just avoiding making a decision to put an end to limbo.
Which brings me to the question. Am I in limbo? Answer = no. My M might be in limbo, but I am not. I am content in my forward movement. I have so many people noticing where I am now. More people seem to be drawn to me. Some just to hang out, others are going through their own issues and I seem to be able to offer the compassion and advice they need at the moment.
So back to my therapist. One question she asked me was “Do you think you could ever trust H again, as a wife should be able to trust a H?” The answer was not immediately “No”. I thought about it for a while. Decided it would depend on whether H, if he wanted to try to R, did the hard work, and whether trust could be found again through the R process. Even if H did the work, even if WE did the work, it’s not a guarantee I could trust again. I don’t know if it’s possible to fully trust H again. So, that’s not a deciding factor in choosing the Stand right now.
Something my T said I thought was great. Replace “I should” with “I am willing to…” This makes a lot of sense, because it shifted my thinking to what other’s think I should do to what I think is right for ME to do at the moment.
DnJ, I even told my T about you, how you will quote me, and change one or two words to give me a whole new perspective, and how helpful that is.
So, bottom line is, I think I’m standing for the right reasons for me now. Might change as events unfold, but for now, I’m satisfied I’m making the right decision.
As I posted last week, H and I had a good conversation, and he followed up with a text message that made me think the log is not so dense. He said he wasn’t going to be by this weekend. He messaged yesterday and said he was coming over around 3:30 after work to pick up the mail and we (H, me, and D19) could have an early dinner if I wanted to. So I texted back “sure”. (Although not right away!!)
We pleasantly chatted for about an hour while D19 was napping (she loves her bed!). No R talk at all. Had a nice sushi dinner, then he went on his way. He commented on the top I had on. And, he didn’t take his phone out at all the whole time. That is a huge change for him.
Perhaps something is happening to him. Hmmm. That’s about all the thinking I will do about it. Detachment isn’t complete, but it’s certainly come a long way.!
