Complex WW and/or MLC #3

[sandi2]

I think its mostly the invasion of privacy that she feels over the lengths that I went and as I tried to explain above... She still feels out of control in regards to being able to disclose apologize on her own terms (since I know so much). So in General I agree with you - but 2 things: 1, I have since told her I do not want to have those conversations, I do not want/need to put her in a situation where she needs to lie to me again. But made it clear she will need to be ready to disclose and deal with the issues at some point.

You are talking to her too much....... and using too many words.

I will not reconcile without a full accounting on both sides in MC.

Has she actually said she wanted to reconcile? I see all this stuff you are saying to her, but has she said she wanted to save the MR, or it is mostly you doing all the talking?

Second, I have been clear with her that I'm aware I totally took away her sense of privacy but given the situation (I had a pretty strong gut feeling she was lying) and each time I did snoop on her I was right and found more. So it is very difficult for me to say that I would not do the same thing again in the same situation. I don't have "right" to jump to those lengths on any little bad feeling but I didn't do anything like that for 15 years. Only when this started happening. My point is- I'm not in anyway caving to her in this way. It is what it is and we need to deal with it all.

It is extremely common for a WW to try and turn the spot light on the H invading her privacy, in order to distract from the real problem. I think the less you say about your snooping, the better. I like your last statement, "It is what it is and we need to deal with it". I think by giving focus on your snooping, she tries to put it up there alongside her lying. So if you say something about not trusting her to tell the truth, then she'll go back to not trusting you b/c you invaded her privacy. Right now, neither of you trust the other one.

Shouldn't I just keep my boundaries with MC and deal with those issues there?

Those aren't "boundaries". Those are your terms or conditions in order to reconcile the MR. I agree with them, but they aren't boundaries.

We had some issues in our relationship for sure but it never really felt like the 'punishment fit the crime" in our circumstances. The big question is.. how/why she was able to go so extreme in her actions if what I say is correct and it wasn't really that bad?

What do you mean? Are you asking why she was wayward if the problems in the M were not that bad?

I'm also becoming more and more convinced (99%) that she has not gone GGW or even PA in a while. I get the feeling there might have been some form of PA right after she moved out, but I'm getting signs that she has really been taking some time to her self - In other words I don't think she is playing both sides right now.

You want to believe things weren't that bad, your sitch is unique, that she hasn't been as wayward as some other WW's, and you think the sitch is on the edge of reconciliation. Maybe you've talked yourself into believing it, IDK. You are setting yourself up for a big disappointment if you don't back off with the email R talk. You don't have to back down on what you require in order to reconcile the MR.......but just stop talking to her about it. That is major pressure! If she really wants to reconcile, then let her come to you. You've told her the terms, so now it's up to her to decide if she wants to do the work.

If there is another occasion where she shows up where you all are hanging out, then act as you did previously when friends were together. But don't repeat the R talks & emails.