GAL yesterday was good and I felt more motivated than I had in a while to concentrate on my career for a while. We had an arrangement where he'd have Youngest at his house, and I'd drop him after tea, but there was some mix up on either side - he isn't very clear about what he wants verbally, prefers to do it over text, but is sporadic in replying to direct questions about arrangements over text (and never replies to email). So it got to after six and he said it was too late. I said I was willing to drop Youngest at his home, and Youngest wanted to come, but if he thought it was too late I'd tell Youngest he was tired and could he let me know. He kept on trying to start an argument. I ignored and said 'am I dropping him off or not?' and in the end he rang to speak directly to Youngest. I think he was trying to convince Youngest to say he didn't want to go, but Youngest was very keen so in the end I did drop him off. He looked exhausted when I arrived and had been drinking. He wasn't drunk and perfectly able to look after Youngest, but I suspect he wanted a(nother) night to himself and didn't want to come out and say so. I don't know what the assertive thing would have been to do there - I can't really co-parent healthily with him if he's dishonest and plays games about what he does and doesn't want, and tries to manipulate what he wants out of a situation rather than asking for it. But I can also understand that he was very very drained and perhaps not in the headspace to deal with an energetic child at the end of the day. Ah well.
We had another moment like this when I got back from holiday. He was complaining that Youngest was behind on his homework and wasn't doing well enough at her maths (I've actually been to see her teacher about this, because H has been worried about it for a while - and the teacher is very pleased with Youngest's progress and despite being the youngest in the year group, is second in the class at maths). Youngest is a bit behind on maths homework, but not disastrously so. I asked how it had been while I was away - it's sometimes a challenge to get him to do it - and H told me he hadn't asked him to do any. And hadn't asked either child to do the chores that he was so insistent they get assigned during family therapy (I have been great - not perfect, but really great - at sticking to the schedule the therapist suggested and which H agreed on). I just don't get it. I tend not to take these comments too seriously and just listen, given that he's complaining about something that either isn't true, or is in his power to alter. It's probably part of his depression or his negative mindset right now. But then he says he feels unimportant and not listened to when I don't jump to resolve whatever it is he's identified as a problem that day. I don't want to live my life like that any more. But I also want to be kind and respectful to him. It's a head scratcher.
I don't know what my question is. I guess even when he's not being out and out appalling, he's whinging and complaining and manipulative and passive and I don't know how to deal with a person like that with kindness and respect. And I still miss having an actual understanding adult at my side - that's the loneliness I am feeling. I feel it when I am in the room with him and have done for a long time. I feel better when I don't see him much. He is still talking about counselling etc but without that basis of him being able to take responsibility and say what he wants, I don't see what the use of counselling would be.
Today the weather is terrible so GAL plans are going to need to be adjusted a bit. But I am seeing a couple of friends this morning and I think it is time to attack the housework this afternoon while Youngest is with H.
