Heartbroken and Struggling

[LH19]

We had our MC session, and then a LONG R talk where I cried many times throughout the conversation. Here is what I learned.

D you have to learn to control your emotions. Crying in front of your W is very unattractive. You have to be the rock where nothing sways you. Just listen and validate.

1. She needs space to make up her mind on her own. She wants me to quit making family plans. Life is too busy, and she needs time to think. I will need to make family plans without her, so that I can still have fun.

Listen to what she is saying.

2. She has complained that some of the things that got her to be unhappy with our M is that she has felt alone in performing household tasks and taking care of the kids. So, she wants me to continue to do these things with her. She wants me to continue to cook dinner and talk with her during this time. She wants me to continue to do house chores with her as a team.

Do your fair share of the cooking and cleaning. No more. No less.

3. She wants me to stop pursuing her in any romantic way. I have done almost none of this, but I will stop any type of physical contact.

Absolutely no pursuit.

4. I learned that she has told her parents about our situation, and I told her that I told my mother and brother. I really wish that this didn't come out today. I thought she wasn't telling her parents because of the guilt, and I didn't want her to know that I told my mom and brother, because I wanted that guilt to keep her from asking for a divorce.

You don't want her to stay because she feels guilty.

5. I promised her that I would give her space, but to continue to show that I am a new man (the partner that she has wanted). I would continue to be the partner she has wanted me to be. I know this is against the DBing, but how do I make this work with the DBing methodology?

You know what a good partner does? Listens! Give her space and then give her even more space then that.

6. If I am going to give her space, I need to get more of a life. I hate this!! I feel like I am not able to live the family life that I want to live this way. I like being at home after working all day. But, I am going to try to do more things with my kids. I am going to have to do more things with friends, all the while showing that I am the good, reliable partner.

A good reliable partner gives her the space she asks for. Get out and reconnect with old friends.

7. As I was telling her that I was committed to being a new man, she asked why I kept saying this and it sounded like I wanted something from her. I said that I wanted her to be 100% committed to fixing the relationship, even though she didn't know whether it could be fixed. She promised me that she was trying to be 100% committed to fixing the relationship, but she reiterated that she didn't know whether it could be fixed. She loves me, but doesn't have romantic feelings for me. I thought the commitment to try to fix the R was a good sign.

Stop pressuring her looking for reassurance. She can't give it to you right now.

8. I made a terrible mistake in our conversation where I said that this was very unfair to the kids. This was the worst mistake I made. I told her that it was unfair to them and that we would be hurting them financially. This made her angry, but I thought it had to be said. She said that she also had to be happy. I am sure that this really pushed her away from me, so I bet you guys are really going to hit me with 2x4s for this one.

More pressure. You are digging yourself a hole you may not be able to get out of if you keep this up.

9. So now I have to commit to giving as much space as possible, while still showing that I am a good partner. Do you have any advice on how to walk this fine line? I really do think this is a line that I need to walk. I know that it doesn't jive 100% with DBing, but in my situation, I think I have to modify some things here.

I will say it one more time. A good partner listens. Give her space. Do your share of the chores and the child care.
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