OM Backed Out

[DnJ]

Hello Tad

Forgiveness is a topic near and dear to me. Forgiveness is so very much for the forgiver.

What is forgiveness? Answers usually bring about more description of what it is not. We seem to know what is non-forgiveness. Things like - forgiveness is not vengeful, not hating, not seek retribution, etc... So forgiveness is just the opposite of non-forgiveness. Ah, it’s never that easy is it?

We wrap up condoning, acceptance, absolution, pardoning, and so on within the thought of forgiveness and it become a very large idea to either accept or deny, to have or have not.

My view of this is more like detachment or indifference; it is something you work towards in small steps. But what are we working towards?

Forgiveness is born out of understanding, compassion, kindness, and empathy. So forgiveness is those kind attributes. As it grows it expands to include clemency, mercy, and if it progresses enough perhaps even condoning and absolution.

Forgiveness is a feeling. Forgiveness is a thought. More than anything forgiveness is a choice and a belief. It is a core conviction, a value, a deep belief.

We all have an idea of what forgiveness looks like. I believe the real question isn’t - What is forgiveness. It is - How do I find forgiveness.

Just like detachment, indifference, fear, letting go, and so on - we need to learn about forgiveness. What it is, and how to achieve it.

Our world doesn’t generally support, encourage, or reinforce forgiveness. Just watch the news, listen to people talk about crime or some such thing. It is everywhere, judgemental attitudes, condemning viewpoints, lots of misunderstanding or outright non understanding, all pushing for penalties and punishment - very little compassion for our fellow man. Very little forgiveness.

This view is pervasive and unfortunately widely held. I was also one of the many, I am happy to now be one of the few.

So how do we find forgiveness?

Thoughts, feeling, beliefs - choice.

As others have said, we intellectually know forgiveness is a good thing for us. Something we want. But our feelings are different and we can’t get there.

Be accurate in thought and heart. Can’t - makes something impossible - it cannot be done. If we say, I can’t do that, you won’t be able to, your mind will make that real. Your mind is listening to you. Can’t, can, do, don’t, will, won’t, try, and such, all have an affect. These little effects add up, both positively and negatively and will affect one’s viewpoint and abilities. The power of positive or negative thinking is quite amazing, and underestimated.

The feelings that run counter to forgiveness. Just like fear, they are irrationally based, not reasoned or logical. One needs to stop feeding them, uncouple them, and acknowledge and accept them.

So we have a choice. Do you want forgiveness? Is that something you are heading towards? Is that something you choose?

We can only control ourselves, and that is our thoughts. Feelings are born from our subconscious and we have no direct control; we can only influence our emotions. Our beliefs are both thought and emotion, very deep, and slow to alter or change; again beyond the reach of our conscious control.

So, the intellectual path. We create and focus on forgiving thoughts. We know them, we know there are good for us. Be kind, compassionate, caring, understanding - in short forgiving. These thoughts change our feelings. Theses thoughts and feelings change our beliefs. This takes time, focus, and mental assertiveness.

Forgiveness is a choice, a belief, a way of looking at life. It is so much worth the effort. And so very much for you.

Forgiveness at first is a strange and unknown place. We are all comfortable in our equilibriums. No one want to push out of their comfort zone. Holding grudges, thinking vindictively, waiting for an apology, etc... - all comfortable. Push past all that and take a leap of faith.

I was looking up my past posts and ran across something I told, and still tell myself.

When it is all boiled down, it doesn’t matter what happened, how much at fault your spouse is, how unfair it all is, how much of a victim you are - it doesn’t matter. It is your life take control and ownership of it. Quit blaming anyone or anything else. Live it well and live it full. Be compassionate, loving, and forgiving. Be open, honest, loyal, and sincere. Be the best you will be. Time is marching on, start today, start right now.

It’s your choice.

- - - -

They say that forgiveness is for us but, I can't do that yet either. I don't want to live the rest of my life being bitter, but can't forgive just yet.

The thing that bothers me an awful lot sometimes is the time that has gone by. This all started two weeks before my 43rd birthday. I'll be 52 in October. THAT bugs me. I feel like so much time has been wasted. I realize that I moved a little slower than others on this site and it took a lot of time for me to get where I'm at now, but I sometimes feel that I wasted so much time on HER.

That makes me angry at myself.

Be accurate with your use of can’t.

Tad, the hard thing I found about forgiving - was forgiving me!

Forgiving ourselves is so very difficult. We blame ourself, we judge, we feel bad, we... well the list is long. It’s weird, we are the one forgiving and the one being forgiven. We can see both sides and yet we still have problems, we still can/t won’t do it.

I think you would agree, it is irrational. Non-forgiveness is irrational. Our feelings and fears hold us back. We need to work through them and accept them. Acceptance is just emotional understanding. So how?

Your statement - “I feel like so much time has been wasted”. It is a feeling. What do you think about these years?

Looking intellectually I am sure you can see how much you have accomplished. The joy and pleasure of investing in years of photography. The distance you have come, the healing you have done, the man you have become - not a wasted effort or time!!!

These thoughts will stop feeding those feelings. Feeling are fleeting, when and if we let them flit away. See the thoughts and the truth about the years. Accept and let go the old feelings and welcome the new. Bring this into yourself, and believe in it and you.

See the truth and forgive yourself for the time it has taken to get here. Your journey is well worth it. The time well invested. The man, Tad, deserves forgiving.

Forgiveness is very near and dear to me. It is a choice, a belief, and a path of small steps. A path you are much further along than you may realize. A path I would be happy to walk with you.

DnJ