Sorry he is being such an @rse. I cant work out for the life of me why though. Even I know that defending a divorce petition, whilst poasible, is a costly exercise in futility and then saying he would accept adultery but not unreasonable. What is he playing at?
Let him have his small petty victory. Let him bask (spelling ?) in it. You will be a divorced woman happily getting on with your life. To steal DVs excellent phrase “King is douchbags in Douchbag land”
You are right, file under adultery. It is a means to an end.
I just wanted to say what wonderful boys you have raised. They are a testament to you. I hope my girls grow up to have the moral fortitude.
Thank you FS that's very kind. It's my birthday this week so middle son is coming up to stay and we will all be together on Friday. Can't wait.
Knowing him, I think he will be genuinely shocked that he has been criticised. In his world view, I made him unhappy so he found happiness elsewhere and it was all my fault.
I can see he's done some self reflection. Not. But then again he's got the downgrade telling him how perfect he is.
Everything is everybody else's fault. Mine, the boys, his business partner, his clients, etc etc. Now it'll also be my Ls fault.
Just when I feel some peace and calm, something comes along that knocks me a bit. I hope that true peace and calm come when the house is sold and the Divorce final.
I think you’re right. He can create a narrative around the adultery that makes it your fault whereas unreasonable is unreasonable and it is harder to defend in his own head. A part of me wishes that our need to protect our own ego wasn’t so strong, but it is what it is. I am guilty, though not to the same degree, of this as your STBXH.
Self reflection is not for the timid. And your H always had a bit of a coward to him - why else live two lives.
It doesn’t matter now.
Have you looked at properties? I know how hard it was/is for you to think of losing the house (all those hopes and dreams, right) but I think (hope) that once we both get our heads around it we will see they are just houses. It is what we bring to them that makes it our home. I heard, and am no expert, that it may be better to sell and rent for a bit. The market will drop again soon and we will be in better positions. Just a thought. Not sure about up north but where I live the market is very very over inflated.
I feel sorry for your H, Yorkie. It must be a very dark place to be in, to blame everyone else for everything. Such a victim mentality. He did exactly what he wanted and now it's not his fault his life isn't all roses? It's toddler-like behaviour. Good luck with getting through this stage, you'll get back to that peace again!
I feel sorry for him too. Once you're brave enough to admit that yes, you've been unreasonable and yes, sometimes you are selfish and unpleasant and influenced by the demons from your past and yes, there's plenty you need to work on about yourself, it is so so so incredibly freeing. It is much harder and more exhausting to have to believe you are perfect against all the evidence!
Well, I'm proud of myself today. Whilst driving to and from my house today I twice passed H driving his car. On both occasions he was stationary allowing traffic (me) to pass. I flashed and raised my hand in greeting. Nothing in return. Twice. Very obviously ignored. No way he didn't see me and the car I drive has a private reg. He's one of those people who knows everybody's cars via their reg plate.
I was fuming at being ignored when I had been polite and friendly. My thumb was itching to send a text telling him to grow up. I didn't. Therefore proud.
There is a question as to why he was driving past my house. It would be a definite detour for him.
So, I mentioned it to 1 son in passing who told me that when son had been staying last week he had seen his Dad's car slow down outside the house a couple of times and then drive off. Son's car was in the drive and mine wasn't, so he could easily have called in to see son (who does maintain some contact) Very strange.
So, I mentioned the ignoring thing and son then told me that when he met up with his dad last week, he looked really awful. He was slow and ponderous, couldn't maintain conversation and looked really old. Son commented that dad's skin was really awful and almost crusty. He said 'I could've mistaken him for Grandpa' (who is 90)
Son said he may not have been ignoring you deliberately because I really don't think he knows what planet he is on.
Now, perhaps I should be worried and concerned. But I can't pretend. I can remember the number of times I was screamed at about the OW "she's the only thing that makes me feel alive"
So why do you look half dead then?
I don't want anything really bad to happen to him, but I am not upset that he's obviously not 'living the dream'
On the other hand, if something bad is going to happen to him, let it be before we Divorce and split the assets.
"She's the only one who makes me feel alive" makes him sound like a lovesick teenager caught up in some sort of romeo and juliet fantasy.
Once you take the villain out of the fairy tale, the fairy tale stops being a fairy tale and becomes real life. And real life is hard. Real life when you are going through a D (even if it was one you wanted) [censored]. It doesn't get much more real then having to give up your home, split all your assets and have children who barely hide their disrespect for you.
I don't want to speculate on why he ignored you. It could be just that he is in cloud coo-coo land, unable to focus properly and just didn't see you. He could be embarrassed that he was obviously driving past the house. I don't know. It doesn't matter.
I do like that your take on it is that if something should happen it be before you've split the assets. Ever the pragmatist
It's on the market, but up here the market is slow on the higher end prices. Had a couple of viewings but no offers. It's a pain having to keep the house up to viewing standards all the time, just in case.
If lady luck is smiling on me then we will have forced the financial disclosure out of him and agreed before it has sold (otherwise the money gets secured by the lawyers and not released) I really really don't want to rent but will get my head round it if I have to. Difficult with a dog. And far more expensive than my mortgage would be.
Of course he and his L have missed another deadline this week. Ł2500 on L fees already and not really any further forward.
I'm making some enquiries about doing a beginner's golf course. Have always fancied it and learning something new and meeting new people will be good for me. Feeling a bit stuck in a rut and am aware that with GAL I stay in my comfort zone with people that I already know. Trust me to choose such an expensive hobby to try! My opening line of "do you do any packages for impoverished, soon to be divorced, peri menopausal women" might get me a discount!
that's a shame about your H. I read somewhere that women, after a period of grief, usually thrive after divorce, while men generally jump into the arms of someone or something else, and when that doesn't work, fall into a much longer lasting period of poor physical and mental health. I think women generally have better support systems - and more substantial relationships with family and friends than the superficial thrill of the OW - which wanes, as your H is probably finding out. And probably in marriages like ours were, the woman does a lot of invisible emotional support, life-management, maintaining of social networks and security that the H doesn't realise he was relying on until it's properly gone.
I also think it's really positive that despite the way your sons feel about your H (and who could blame them) they are able to look on him with a bit of sympathy or pity. They're not bitter. That's a testament to the way you've brought them up and the way you've navigated this long and difficult process.
Your pragmatism makes me smile a lot. I hope your H recovers his senses and his health and starts acting with respect and dignity. But if that isn't going to happen, let him have a swift and painless heart attack while the house is still a joint asset.
