Hmm, so this morning I felt quite detached and then the rest of today I've been suffering separation anxiety. Which is weird because H was the one who used to get terrible separation anxiety. He would be horrible to me for a week or two before every time I went away without him, to the extent I was usually relieved to leave! And now it's my turn for separation anxiety, yuck. Not nice. I don't know how much of it is to do with pre-holiday stress of packing stuff and getting the house and garden sorted for me to be away, maybe it's some weird sort of transferance going on there? Like sometimes I get a bit stressed about work and then I end up texting H with something accusatory (that sounds like an awful pattern, and actually more the sort of thing HE did, he dumped a lot of his work stress onto me! But recently it might have become a pattern). Hmm, I think this is good to watch my patterns, not sure I can do that much about how I feel (other than get back into the garden and get really busy), but at least if I can see there's a pattern there I can understand it better.
Talking about patterns, today I was talking about friends at IC, and he was pointing out that there's a definite pattern in my friends not being available. Like my best friend lives thousands of miles away, and I don't contact her much which is partly time differences and her complicated life but maybe partly me not wanting someone too close, I dunno. Maybe I do keep even my friends at a distance? My two friends I run with regularly I'm very, very open with. We discuss marriages, sex, kids, everything really. So I do get emotional intimacy that way, I was wondering whether maybe that was part of the problem in my M, I didn't get any emotional intimacy with H so instead of insisting on it or trying to get it with him I just went out and got it from my friends instead. Then again I don't believe that marriages can give you absolutely every aspect of life alone, you need separate hobbies and separate friends as long as they don't interfere too much with the time you spend together, they should give richness to your M.
Anyway, today's IC session was unexpectedly tough, I went in feeling quite chirpy and came out feeling tearful. I did then have a lovely lunch with ds1 though, he got some exam results back so was very happy and chatty (unusual for him, he's the silent type!) It was nice hearing all his news and his friends' results and what his plans might be for the future.
