I explained that I just need her to open up and be honest with me, stop trying to hide her affairs and once she comes clean, I then can start to believe that she is focused on honesty.
This has a tone of "double standards". You had multiple affairs and was not honest with her for two years. You even said you have not yet revealed everything, and may choose not to do so, b/c there is no way she could ever find out. Well, that's your choice, but what I'm looking at is a man who is expecting his W to be fully honest with him, while he withholds his own secrets. Did you have an A with someone she knows? Someone close to her?
I can understand if you don't reveal the sexual details of your A's, in order to protect her. I'm not saying it's right or wrong.....that's up to every individual. I have seen cases where the other spouse was not able to get the scenes out of their head, once they heard all the gory details. I'm just not sure if it's "details" or something more you feel the need to keep secret, until.......or unless you decide to reveal it during a MC session.
I can't argue with the things you need in order to reconcile. The remorseful apologies, full confessions, transparency, etc., are actions I promote. I just think you have the advantage over her, b/c of your surveillance intell........while feeling comfortable in knowing she has no such advantage about your own affairs. That gives you a sense of control. You are requiring all this honesty from her, while choosing to wait about your own? You want her fully committed to you, before she hears (if you choose) about your own dishonesty?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
