I am away with work right now. It's nice to be in a hotel. Their bathroom is cleaner than mine and the hot water is free!
Had a surprising time with H yesterday. He arrived earlier than arranged so caught me as I was getting ready to leave and offered to drive me to the station. I accepted, and we had a bit of a talk in the car. He was very clear and calm and talking about what was going on with him. No back-biting or belittling or jabs at me at all.
He said from his point of view, he'd been there for me through all my bad time, and that even now when things were so awful between us he hoped that I knew he'd be there for me if anything awful happened to me and the kids. I think I do know that - he's behaved appallingly and can be very cruel, but early in our situation - when things were terrible (much worse than they were even in the last week or so between us) someone tried to break into the house and I called him in the early hours of the morning and he scraped the ice off his car in the middle of the night and turned up to check the house and the doors and the garden. He's an acts of service kind of person.
He said over the last six months of this project he had really been struggling and he didn't feel like I was there for him in the same way - that I'd just ran out on him. I just validated. There were a couple of things I could say - like - his behaviour pushes me away rather than wants me to get close, and when I try to be there for him (like making the dinner, and looking after him when he is sick) he is pretty mean about it and doesn't seem to accept it or feel supported or cared for. I could also have said that I don't want a mother to look after me in bad times, but I want a partner who will be there in the good times too. But I STFU and just validated a bit.
He seemed to really want to tell me that, so I just listened then got out at the train station. I didn't feel like he was trying to manipulate me - he didn't ask me to do anything or change my mind about anything - he just seemed to want me to know. I said, 'thank you for telling me, I will think about what you've said really carefully'. And I will - but not right now because I want to work and concentrate on myself for a bit first.
He said 'we don't seem to be able to talk to each other - we need help with that - but in a week or two we will have a counsellor who will help us with this' and I didn't tell him I wouldn't go to counselling with him, I just listened to him some more. He looked pretty awful but he was kind enough to me and it wasn't awful.
I think Fly, you are right, and I look at myself and my own part in this too much, and that too much self reflection can make me a bit crazy and stop me taking action. I am so busy examining our history and my character and motives that I am not taking the action I need to take to set boundaries, move forward, improve my own life. And I need to concentrate on that. I can't imagine counselling being a success if I am still too afraid of his anger to say what I really think, or if I am still so desperate for his forgiveness that I can't draw boundaries and be fully prepared to walk away from a relationship that doesn't meet my needs.
When I get home I am making some GAL plans that will include garden furniture. Small steps.
