Thanks D...…..saw the dr. last night for a couple of hours. Our normal mid-week get together and then I saw her briefly at the gym this morning.
We exchanged the words again last night, I could tell it is something she is still getting comfortable with. She told me she was scared of getting hurt again. I told her the same thing on my end so I understood. I am starting to see a more sensitive side to her, I am starting to see her walls come down, seeing that she is not as strong as what she leads on to believe. I think I really sensed it last night for the first time. We will see each other again on Friday night, I got us tickets to the Improv.
My XW was the type of person who would want me to drive but would then criticize how fast as I was going, or how close I was to another vehicle, etc. Sex to her was a means to the end, performing her womanly duties, no problems receiving pleasure but having a hard time giving it (wanting it to end quickly). She wanted time to herself, liked to sleep in, take naps, family vacations never happened because taking them didn't sound like fun to her since our kids were little. The Dr. and I got on this subject last night (as she was talking about her X) and I found myself struggling to think of one thing I actually missed about my XW outside of the idea it was my XW (and the mother of my children). I can't think of one memory that I enjoyed or something about my XW that I truly missed. The only thing I come back to is that she is the mother of my children. That seems really crazy after being with someone for 17 years.
Sometimes I wonder if I suffered years of abuse and I never knew it since I was in it. Do I really know, understand, and can appreciate what a normal relationship looks like with someone. What a partner is like who is a giver, not a taker that is not controlling, who is kind, loving, caring, sweet, and wants to spend time with you. When I tell my mom about the Dr. she gets all excited and tells me that I deserve someone that is nice to me.
