Hope: He wasn't always this way - it's new - and I still remember the man I married and the friendship we had, and I still - even in the past couple of days - see little glimpses of that man in some of his interactions with me and the kids (and the dog) and if he changed into who he is today, he can change back, and I don't want to pull the trigger before that happens.
Well he can change back, it happens. There was this couple coaching in Retrovaille, the man had multiple affairs, took up heavy drinking, completely alienated himself from their kids and in many ways was one of the more "extreme" LBS's that I've ever heard of. His W meanwhile conducted herself with dignity and respect the entire time and never said a bad word about him. She took the view that he was sick and just needed time to get back to normal. She convinced him to go to Retrovaille and he hated it, after the weekend he went right back to his womanizing and drinking. He finally hit rock bottom (if I recall I think he was driving drunk and had a really bad accident) and started to come out of it. Eventually they went to Retro a second time except that time he went with a humble spirit and willing to participate. They got back together and at the time of our session I think it had been twenty years since that all had happened, and meeting them you would never, ever guess they had that in their history. They just seemed like one of those elderly couples that get along great and are super happy together and always have been.
Anyway it can happen, but unfortunately we don't know IF it will happen, or if it will, WHEN. My XW seems perfectly happy with her new life, she has really embraced it. She delved a little into the girls-gone-wild behavior but it was short-lived and she seems much more like her old self, but content to never be married to me again, LOL! That's what makes this so difficult, what is the "right" decision? You just have to choose, be comfortable with your choice, and never look back.
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Fear. Two things: I'm afraid of what being divorced would be like. Of having to face the fact my marriage failed, we couldn't make it work, and that I am half responsible for that. Of having to face the consequences of all the things I did wrong in my marriage, and all the ways I handled his heart without care. Of what life would be like - Christmas and birthdays and my children's graduations and weddings - of all of those occasions being a fresh wound for the rest of my life.
For a long time after BD and especially after S I felt like a failure. Like I had let my XW down, my kids down, myself down. Now with more years behind me I know I didn't let anyone down. Sure there was room for improvement but I was a pretty darned good husband and father. Whatever happened to my XW, at the end of the day it wasn't my fault. She basically just decided she didn't want to be married anymore, and that is really about all she ever said in way of explanation. I was hiking with my D once and she said something like "dad, you and mom had a really good run together, and raised 3 wonderful kids. You should be proud of that, not many couples today stick together as long as you did." That's actually a great way of looking at it, not as a failure, but as a SUCCESS. 25 very happy years together, raising 3 amazing kids to adulthood, helping each other to two very successful professional careers. So we didn't stick together for life, who says we have to in order to call it a "success"? Are 25 happy years together and an additional 25 miserable years together a "success" whereas 25 happy years together and then 25 happy years apart a "failure"?
