Thats good advice from Dilly so I will only add to it here and there.
I think you have spent too long looking in the mirror. Self reflection can be a powerful tool for becoming a better version of yourself. But look too long and it becomes almost like reverse narcissism. By all means look in the mirror, but don't drown in it.
Also - you offer him much more compassion and forgiveness than you give to yourself.
The sadness you feel is normal. We have all been there. Not the crazy sadness of before, but quieter, sitting in the background, but still known, still infecting everything you touch, think or do. You can't will it away. You can't use logic to think your way through it. All you can do is get up each day and keep going. The sadness will get quieter. You will be able to go an hour, then a day, then a week without bursting into tears. But the only way through it is to go through it.
Make those plans for the summer.
1. Take the kids away somewhere. Center parks is a good option or get a camper van and drive up to cornwall - both good options you could do with the dog. 2. Go away on your own. Google flashpack (who I am going away to Croatia with in August) and tick something off your bucket list or pick something you think will challenge you mentally and physically. It's hard with kids but just tell your H you are going away on your own for a week in the summer and which week would be most convenient for him. If he doesn't tell you give him some options. If he is still an [censored] then try your/his parents.
The second one is important. You deserve an adventure.
It is hard to get out of your own head. But, it is possible. Actions beget thoughts.
