I think the hardest thing about our situations is that, with a little perspective, we can see the H perhaps a little more clearly than he sees himself. Or at least we think we do. I am sure my H, if he was able to communicate in this way, would perhaps have similar things to say about me - the way I am hot and cold with him is confusing and upsetting to him, I know, but makes perfect sense to me! There's the sense from all of us, I think, that we could just SHAKE some sense into our H's. They're upset that they don't get what they want, but they refuse to say what that is. They feel lonely and abandoned, but they leave the family home and pour their hearts into work or drink or another woman. They wish they had affectionate and loving wives, but they're mean and critical and unpleasant, and decide that any attempts at affection in the face of that are manipulative. It's insane behaviour. I've done all of it myself, to be fair, and I bet he did want to shake me and tell me some home truths in the midst of it.
They're upset that they don't get what they want, but they refuse to say what that is. Absolute nail on the head there!! Though they don't KNOW what they want, do they? All they know is that they're unhappy so it must be our fault somehow...But you're right, our hot and cold behaviour is probably as confusing as theirs is, we're both trying to guess what's going on in the other person's head, but they can't or won't tell us, and we are protecting ourselves by not telling them what's going on in our heads. Last night I almost sent a text saying I wasn't going to meet H for lunch any more. If he can't even prioritise me for one evening a week then I won't meet him. But I put my phone on plane mode and left the text there and then deleted it in the morning. It's pressure and wouldn't work. But I will tell him today that evening things work much better for me, it's a lot of disruption to my day to trek in to see him. I will also ask him for dates 2 weeks in advance, I have plans of my own and I don't want to be shoved into his leftover time around his work events which are not all important (some might be, but I know for a fact some aren't).
When we went out to dinner for ds1's birthday, we had to get up and leave in a hurry to catch a train. The look of abandonment on H's face was heartbreaking, he looked absolutely stricken. But he had the power to not be abandoned! He could have said 'hey, why don't you all stay at my flat tonight, save you getting the train home?' He abandoned US, not the other way round! Sigh. I haven't seen that look for a little while now, perhaps he's feeling less likely to be abandoned. Which is funny, because I STILL feel abandoned. Because I literally have been. I might be more at peace with it but it's actually a fact that H has physically abandoned us. Talking of his flat, I had a weird half dream this morning when I woke up. H was talking about something to do with his flat, and he called it 'our flat'. And I went 'huh' and then pretended it hadn't happened, because I couldn't work out who the 'our' bit was: me and him? Or me and someone else? Weird. I don't actually think he's having an A (well, not this week), but my subconscious clearly doesn't trust him.
Talking of trust, I have told him he can use my car this weekend. Half of me wants to say 'how would you feel if I parked my car far away, refused to let you see it and wouldn't let you drive it?' I rearranged our lunch to today so I have more time to get ready to go away tomorrow. Plus it fits better with my GAL plans tonight.
I might respond to your other stuff on your thread if that's ok Alison, this turned into an essay!
