I think the hardest thing about our situations is that, with a little perspective, we can see the H perhaps a little more clearly than he sees himself. Or at least we think we do. I am sure my H, if he was able to communicate in this way, would perhaps have similar things to say about me - the way I am hot and cold with him is confusing and upsetting to him, I know, but makes perfect sense to me! There's the sense from all of us, I think, that we could just SHAKE some sense into our H's. They're upset that they don't get what they want, but they refuse to say what that is. They feel lonely and abandoned, but they leave the family home and pour their hearts into work or drink or another woman. They wish they had affectionate and loving wives, but they're mean and critical and unpleasant, and decide that any attempts at affection in the face of that are manipulative. It's insane behaviour. I've done all of it myself, to be fair, and I bet he did want to shake me and tell me some home truths in the midst of it.
I'm really glad that you're looking to the future, Dilly. That's something I find so so difficult. Do you have any suggestions for me? I find it very hard to imagine or plan my life these days, and some days it feels totally paralysing (great word, 97Hope). I've alway been a planner and the time that H and I have spent together has been pretty carefully planned. We had joint goals. I think we still do, actually - the things we want for our lives and our family life are the same, as far as I know - we just don't seem to be in the same room as each other right now! It feels like my life's path has entirely disappeared and I'm just sitting here in the day, making sure the kids needs are fulfilled and I do enough work so I don't get in trouble. Most of my time goes into what I'd call 'healing' type activities - walking and resting and seeing friends and taking care of my kids and my house, reading, living quietly, managing my emotions. There's no forward direction or ambition any more.
There's a house that has come up for sale at the top of my street. For a few years now H and I have talked about looking for a slightly bigger house with more living space as the kids have grown and I work at home more and more, but not wanting to move out of our area, which is perfect for us in lots of ways. It's a lovely house. I can see us living there - despite everything I've said about him. It's a pipe dream. Don't worry, I am not going to buy it with him! But it's sad, because we could afford it and we should be jumping at the chance to get it - that was the future we wanted.
I have a promotion opportunity coming up at work and I should be using this quiet time to prepare for it and make an application, but I've done nothing about it and I am stuck. It would be nice to have more money and a slightly different type of work, but it would involve a little more travel. There's the potential, depending on all kinds of things, that I could take the promotion and reduce my hours without having a meaningful impact on my income. But that's the kind of decision a married woman makes after talking to her husband and thinking things through. After making a decision about whether they are going to buy the big house at the top of the road or not. After thinking about where they'd want to be in five year's time, and which secondary school they want to get Youngest into. I can't have conversations with anyone about that kind of thing any more, and the future years have just kind of... dissolved.
I can't even choose bloody garden furniture. It was always the plan to get some new stuff this summer, and I was going to do it on my own last weekend, and I couldn't bring myself to do it - even though I was angry with him and also planning to buy him out of the house. Maybe I need to get the furniture and take some small steps.
