Just journalling - I want to write down a few things that came up in IC so they're here and I can reflect on them more this week. I told her about my week - the mad ultimatum I gave, H coming back for a couple of days, how angry he is again and what a downturn things have taken, my preparations to buy him out of the house and formalise a divorce, his offer of therapy which is still on the table.
I said that last week, I was convinced the work would be to manage the fact that what I wanted wasn't reasonable, and if I could stop wanting it, I wouldn't be so sad. I left last week's therapy session realising that no, what I wanted was utterly reasonable, and not-having it in a relationship meant it was a relationship I no longer wanted to be in. That scared me, which is where all the ultimatum and divorce stuff comes from. And yet I have not pulled the trigger. I've gathered information and I've gone significantly darker, but I haven't done anything irrevocable yet. I don't want to divorce him just to frighten him. I need to be sure it is what I want. So we talked a lot about what keeps me where I am - what keeps me attached, or married, or not giving up hope.
IC thinks it would be helpful for me to look carefully at what exactly it is keeping me attached to him. Here are the things:
Guilt - I was missing in action for a long time in our marriage, and H was at the mercy of emotions that have nothing to do with him. There's a sense that I deserve this, have brought it on myself, and that I owe him a similar period of standing by in the face of poor behaviour, waiting for the storm to pass.
Hope: The part that thinks 'I owe him' believes that waiting, being patient, giving him love when he isn't being lovable, will be a way to 'wake him up' and bring him back to me - that he's just testing me and soon the test will be over. (I think this, even though I know it wasn't his love that brought me back to myself, but introspection and a long period of therapy).
Approval: The part that's guilty really really needs him to say 'you acted badly but I can see you have a good heart and I still want you' so that I can forgive myself and not feel awful anymore.
Hope: He wasn't always this way - it's new - and I still remember the man I married and the friendship we had, and I still - even in the past couple of days - see little glimpses of that man in some of his interactions with me and the kids (and the dog) and if he changed into who he is today, he can change back, and I don't want to pull the trigger before that happens.
Loneliness: we were each other's 'person'. We're both fairly reserved people and it takes a long time for us to trust and really know someone and let ourselves be known. We did have that - we used to stay up late talking, made each other laugh, turned towards each other and wanted to know and to be known. That was real and it was there for a really long time. I have friends but I don't have that intimacy with anyone else, and I want it in my life, and I want it with him, and I can't imagine ever being reckless enough to have it with anyone else. We chose each other above all others. That's what being married means.
Compassion: My perception that while yes, he's acted disgracefully and and in ways that were totally unacceptable, that isn't who he really is. He's defensive and angry and controlling and manipulative, but I know from my own experience of acting in these ways, which I have, that these are just layers over who he really is, and if I could somehow get past them, then the real him would be in there waiting for me. I've tried everything I can to get past those layers, and the waiting nearby and leaving the door open is the only thing I haven't tried.
Fear. Two things: I'm afraid of what being divorced would be like. Of having to face the fact my marriage failed, we couldn't make it work, and that I am half responsible for that. Of having to face the consequences of all the things I did wrong in my marriage, and all the ways I handled his heart without care. Of what life would be like - Christmas and birthdays and my children's graduations and weddings - of all of those occasions being a fresh wound for the rest of my life.
Second thing: (this one is weird) fear of making him angry. He doesn't want to get divorced. He wants - he says - to go to therapy with me, and whether that's a clean motivation on his part or not, he doesn't want to get divorced. He doesn't want to properly leave our home - all his things are here - and he doesn't want us to think of ourselves as single people. He doesn't want to be married in the way I understand it either, granted - but if I were to pull the trigger I'd be taking away his choice, his safety net, his plan B, and he'd be furious about that and I'm scared. I'm not scared he would be violent towards me and financially I would actually be in a slightly better position - but I am scared of how he'd act towards me in the times we had together - how bitter he'd be, and how what is left of our friendship would be dead.
