WAS or WHAT 11

[Gerda]

Roist, when I read your signature line, "She's still worth it," I get so happy. I think there is a lot of truth in that and there is some reason why you are still together.

From the far vantage point of reading your posts and knowing nothing, I will say that it looks like you are noticing everything she thinks of you and trying to change her. If she were a healthy, whole woman and a great partner to you in life and in raising your kids, you might be able to feel more clearly that you can't try to change her. Are you still GAL-ing? Or are you starting to fixate on what you don't have?

I see the doubts you are feeling as despair, and despair does not come from the Light.

Tweens and teens will exhaust anyone. I agree with the above, that you should take a trip with each son and have some serious bonding time and just enjoy each other without an agenda.

But here is one thing you might try -- I was just cleaning out stuff in trying to prepare half my place for renters since my H moved out, and I found something I wrote in 2013, before BD but on the way there. It was a list of "Expectations of My Husband That I Release." I still remember the website I found it on, a "Daughters of Sarah," kind of site. It was astonishing to read the list now. For example, number one -- "I expected my husband to be affectionate to me everyday." Or how about number 12 - "I expected my husband to take care of me when I was sick." How astonishing to think that I got cancer after that and he sure didn't take care of me!

But the point is, reading that now, I see that I released ALL of them. There are 16 on the list. I remember writing them and thinking with such longing of how much I wanted him to do them. I was still expecting them and feeling disappointed. Now I look at them and it seems impossible I would ever think of expecting any of them.

Honestly I can't imagine expecting them of any man ever!

But what I am trying to say is -- Try writing that list. You are supposed to put it in an envelope and mail it to yourself a year later. I cried when I saw on the envelope a note to mail it June 29, 2014. That poor former me! I didn't even know cancer was coming then, let alone all the adultery, the kids being abandoned, the DIVORCE!

But I am so proud of myself for how far I came, and I know that it really helped me to write those expectations down, release them, and FORGIVE. It's a decision you make everyday and I don't see how anyone can do it without God because no human can do it. It's not in our nature. But you can every morning go out to the trees or the lake or the sky and say, "HEY! I can't forgive her! I release my expectations and I release my anger to you! Take it! It's too much for me to bear! Help me forgive!" I think that one day you will realize you are a little less angry, and if you keep doing it, that will keep happening.