Beginning to think that my situation is in line for a prize as one of the slowest moving here on the site!!
Oh well, there goes my prize!
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I could list other examples but in essence she is feeling self-pity and looking for us and ME to comfort her. I have tried that in the past and if she got upset I would go see if there was anything she wanted to talk about or for me to do to help. Invariably I was shut out. So now I just observe, sometimes emphatise but mostly ignore any "woe is me" episodes. This approach seems contrary to my overall view on how I would like things to be but is now driven from a place where I am not motivated to be the one to work on the M.
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Anyway I am getting tired of such interactions. Very tired. Ignoring them doesn't work. Neither does arguing. Nor empathy. Nor talking. Today I feel like the WAS. I just want this to end. The problem is that I don't see a better solution YET.
You mentioned earlier that you avoid R talks. Don't. You've been busting for a long time. W isn't going anywhere, and it sounds like you are near done. Re-read Michele's chapter on "The Talk". (I think that's what's it called) Prepare your discussion and choose the right time to address as she advises. You don't have to do this right away, of course, but don't wait until you're "Done" and W doesn't have any chance at R.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl