Yes, a month or two ago when I realized that I was still routinely cooking dinner for my H and our daughter when he came here I was suddenly furious about it and stopped it immediately. My H would text before he arrived to ask if I was cooking or if he should take care of dinner and I started responding that he should take care of it each and every time. I never announced that I would no longer cook dinner on his nights as a parent, I just stopped doing it. We are at similar stages in this way. we both realize that we have been allowing for the happy family routine because it makes us feel good and it allows us to see our husbands and makes an opportunity for them to see our changes. And now we have both grown resentful of the cake eating that has allowed. We have also both let our resentment get the best of us and done things that do not jive with DBing (you giving yours and ultimatum and me telling mine to hurry up and divorce me already). It's interesting to notice.
It's a very confusing combination of feelings, isn't it? On the one hand I feel so strongly like yelling to him "if you are going to go just GO". (I suppose I did just that last week, and I regret it) On the other hand I'm so afraid that if I really set these boundaries and go dark I will have given up too soon, and pushed him away just as he began to inch back toward me. My H is away on a fishing trip with a close friend of his. I remember las time he went on this very same trip with the very same friend, I imagined the two of them having this heart to heart in which my H would reveal his inner conflict and indecision and his friend would guide him back to our family. I don't have that daydream this time around. We won't see him until he gets later this week. I am trying to remain strong and hold on to my conviction to go dark. I am extremely anxious and feeling incredibly sad that it's come to this after all this time. I want to shake him and say "Just STOP THIS already and let go of the past." Of course, I won't. I am afraid that we will slip right back into limbo, and equally afraid that we won't and that he will move forward with divorce.
