Married couple from Scandinavia

[BenB]

So it´s been a few days now and I still feel like I want out of this relationship. Again, I don´t trust my own feelings so I won´t decide on anything but I feel very different lately. Last time I felt any kind of anxiety was when I noticed the missing ring but even then it wasn´t much, nothing compared to how the old me would have reacted. It did trigger my feelings to want to escape but I didn´t act on them and I hope I never do make decisions based on intense feelings again.

Today was a normal day, we watched TV, laughed together and played with the dog. I feel completely calm and at peace with everything that is happening. So why is it that I feel I don´t want to continue this relationship? I tried picturing her moving on, downloading dating apps immediately after our breakup and seeing other men. Basically I tried to imagine my worst fears, or what used to be my worst fears. And those images don´t seem to bother me as much now. I felt a hint of sadness when I pictured her with other men but that´s all. Me a few weeks ago would feel rage, jealousy and panic.

I´ve tried searching within myself, do I feel this because I want a reaction from her? Doesn´t feel so. I tried picturing her being very cool with it. I tell her I want to end the relationship and she agrees immediately. Again, that thought does not bother me at all.

If someone would ask me what my gut feeling is I would say that I want to end this right now, not be angry, sad or even upset. Just tell her that and even help her find an apartment so she can move out quickly. Do I love her? I loved the person that used to be her. This is not her. I won´t miss this person. This is a shell of that beautiful person that was in my life until recently. I´ve been missing my wife for months now. I´ve mourned her death it feels like.

But I´ll wait. And wait. Like DnJ wrote, for better or worse. I may give up, but not today.