Got a life, now what?

[97Hope]

I have a feeling the marriage I have, as it stands, only exists because he's angry and I'm guilty. When that dynamic is gone, what is left?

I'm going to say this as gently as possible, because all of us are going through the mess, but something my therapist told me (and it made my blood run cold) was "your M is dead". He didn't stay there. He said that there is always hope, but that it couldn't continue in the state it was in (because of very similar reasons that you and your H are/were in).

That hurt to hear, but when I started accepting it, I realized that he was right. My M was DEAD. Gone. And I could embrace that and let it hurt and grieve it (I still am in the process of grieving the old!!) and stand for the M that I want. This is where I hope for H to want the same. I was clinging to our old R and it was not good. It wasn't as bad as he was making it out to be, but we could have something amazing. However, we BOTH have to do the work on ourselves. Was it you or Alison that said Marriage = PhD and H is still at A levels?? lol So I accept where H is now. He may/may not want to return to me and to a new MR, but any relationship (please let it be him!! lol) cannot be what we had. I could not stay where I was. I wanted a savior and there is only one Jesus.

None of this is easy. I pray that God uses this mess for something good, beautiful even. That is something I can definitely not be scared to hope for. It's His promise to me.