Heartbroken and Struggling

[SteveLW]

Destroyd, i know one of the tendencies we as LBSs have is to ask: "WHy is she doing this?"

I know that question popped into my mind in the hours and days following BD. Especially us LBHs we think if can get a why....then we can fix it. Like a car? Why is it making that noise? If we can figure out the why, then we can fix it.

But here is deal. Likely she doesn't even know why she is doing it. WAS are emotionally driven creatures. "I feel right this minute I should do X." Five minutes later: "I feel right this minute I should do Y."

I found another anti-divorce author (not MWD) that said that if you look at it from the WAS's standpoint it is very simple. They are unhappy, either about something we were doing or not doing, or for some other reason. (We had one poster here from Great Britain for a while whose WAW had flaked out over the Brexit eletion!) But the key was understanding that they were trying to find happiness.

A lot of posters come here convinced their WAS is having a "Midlife Crisis". However, the worst thing you can do is say that to them. Because they wouldn't categorize it like that at all. It isn't a crisis to them. From their perspective they've never been thinking more clearly! To them it is an awakening! An epiphany. Whether it is based in fact or fiction, they feel like they've been unhappy for years, and suddenly the answers to their unhappiness is clear to them.

In my sitch, as conflicted as my W was about should she stay or should she go, one thing was clear to here almost all of the time until near the end right before she decided to R: staying would mean she remained miserable, and leaving would mean that should would leave healthily and happily. I do not think any of that was true, but that her perception. And a person' perception is their reality.

I am a very devout Christian. I pray a lot and did so through my sitch too. One thing I never prayed for was for God to change her mind. God doesn't mess with free will. What I did prayed for was for, if it was possible, for something to help her see things differently. And for wisdom and understanding for me no matter what she ultimately decided. The temptation is to pray for God to "make her do this" or "make her do that". It is never going to happen that way.

As much as you hate what your W is doing, try to understand that it is her trying to be happy. Obviously you wish she tried a different way, but ultimately it is for her to decide. After all, our happiness here is our own responsibility, not anyone else's. Including God's. God never promised us happiness in this life. In fact, he sent his Son for 1 reason. To die on the cross for the remission of all our sins! So God leaves it up to us to find our own happiness. And we can do that when we focus on the right things no matter what happens around us. As a Christian you know the story of Peter walking on the water. As long as Peter was focused on Christ, he walked on the water. Only the second person after Jesus to do that. When he let the raging wind and sea and howling storm divert his attention, that is when he began to sink.

Keep your focus on Christ. And you will overcome!