Yeah, I need to go darker. I don't know if it was abuse - he wasn't calling me names or shouting at me this time. He does like to tell me why I do things, and it's always the worst possible motivation a person might have - and that's because he doesn't trust me. And, frankly, because he clearly doesn't even like me that much.
He's getting the results on his project today. He told me last night if he didn't do as well as he'd hoped, he'd know it was because he had to move out in January. So I have more to look forward to if his performance doesn't satisfy him.
I am going out to spend the money I am saving on council tax this month at the makeup counter. Lipstick will not cure a marriage but I plan to spend that little amount at the makeup counter every single month in honour of his relationship advice and insight (!!!) and in care of myself.
Emotional debt - well, I think he means the years that he was a SAHD while I worked, and absorbed an absolute ton of stress, anxiety and emotional hostage taking from me. I really was awful. I had very severe PND that went untreated (which is not an excuse, but I mention it because I want to be clear that the problem at that time was with me and my health and not with him or the marriage) and a whole heap of childhood trauma problems (I won't get into it, but I had the worst possible time growing up and was in total denial about it until I came into a safe place as an adult - my therapist says that's very common. He was my safe place so he bore the brunt, which was wrong). I have a lot of remorse for what I put him through, but I also know there was no malice in it from me, and that I've taken the steps to do what I need to do to move away from that dynamic. Where we're left is that he wants to forgive me for it but can't, and, I think, he rather likes having a compliant and guilty wife who absorbs his abuse because she thinks he deserves it. Whenever I've asked for affection, attention, support, or just a halt to his poor behaviour or a change in the way he communicates to me, he brings up this 'debt' of mine one way or another.
