Ah 97Hope - don't beat yourself up. Remorse and contribution are good feelings because they help you to live life differently and they enlarge your capacity for compassion. They beat the self-righteousness and judgmental aspects to our characters right out of us. But guilt and blame don't. You're in a hard place. Was your H ever willing or able to hear what was wrong in the marriage that contributed to you wanting to leave it? Were you able to figure out what was wrong in you that led to you making some crazy choices?
I know one of the reasons I've put up with so much from my H is because I know I've really hurt him. That I was one of the few people he let behind his defences, and I didn't treat that as sacred, I neglected and ignored it. I didn't let him be delicate and vulnerable because I needed him to be strong. It was wrong of me and it really really hurt him. The guilt of that makes me put up with things I shouldn't have done - that harmed me and our kids and probably harmed him too. I don't know how to stand and love him from afar while feeling remorse and contribution and compassion and ALSO not tolerating the way his anger leads him to treat me. I don't think he knows either. I'm really not sure I can any longer, for my sake and for his. I often wonder if the kindest thing in my situation is to force him to let go of me. Who knows? Your post has given me lots of food for thought. You're not the worst!
