Got a life, now what?

[97Hope]

((dilly)) thanks for not thinking I'm with worst.

Ok. I've actually been thinking on that this afternoon.

He had a bunch of pictures blown up and put into frames (of me and us, wedding etc) He played a song for me in the car one night, he didn't give up in the beginning. He still sent me flowers on our anniversary AND he told the OM that he was going to fight for his marriage.

At the time it made it harder to ignore him and his feelings, but it didn't change my self-centeredness. Honestly, I didn't care about anything buy my "happiness" at the time.

It got to where the more I was with the OM, the more I missed my H and realized OM was NOT my H and I grew to resent him for it (the OM). The thought of him for a very long time disgusted me. he played me and I ate it up.

The things that didn't help me (I'm not blaming H here, just being honest) -

-he started dating. That did NOT make him attractive to me. It made me think I had made the right choice.

-the friends I surrounded myself with at the time were HORRIBLE. They said a lot of "you deserve to be happy" "you have 2 great choices" "kids are resilient" etc.

-he didn't really change. we got back together, but he still did all the things that made me want to leave in the first place.

-we went on our first date and he complained that I wasn't sitting close to him. I know now that he was hurt, but I wish he could have been patient with re-entry. I was so freaking confused and that set us back another 6 months. I went flying back to OM and hated everything about my new life.

I respect the hell out of him for standing in the beginning. I realize that he just couldn't do it for very long, and that helps me stand now.

What I learned. The thing I want to take away from today is that I wanted him to love me where I was. That's what I'm doing for him. Not because I think I deserve this after what I did to him. And that is not what he is doing now. I'm certain he isn't paying me back. But I know that confused, scared feeling of not knowing what to do and for as long as I can, I'm going to love him, even if its quietly from afar because that's what is right now.