SF - Exactly! I think you are on the same path as me: I started finally making progress when I started connecting my underlying issues to my problematic attitudes and behaviors. Still a Work in progress.
Before: I pestered my W for affection. PT was my LL. She was not communicating her needs. I'm a bad person for pressuring my W.
After: I have a fear of losing relationships, and need reassurance during stressful times. Rather than self-soothe, I outsourced my emotional well-being to my W, which overwhelmed her and felt like pressure, not love. I have now learned (albeit too late) not to go to W immediately when I am stressed about our R. The fear is there (especially now!) and will always be there, but I have learned coping skills so I don't dump out my bad feelings onto her.
If my W understood my fear, of course maybe things would have turned out differently. But she has a different set of issues, and I'm understanding her more that way too, and that helps with the empathy. I should not expect her to understand all of my issues, when I don't understand hers.
